We open on a sexy, sexy night pool. There are trickling water sounds everywhere—anyone else have to go to the bathroom? Yeah, heh, me neither.
Denver, baby! We’re in the President of Delt’s hometown and you know it’s getting serious because over half of the girls are wearing BLACK! There is dramatic PIANO MUSIC! Y’all, YEE is about to go HAW
Horse Girl says she’s extremely excited for hometowns, but also a bit nervous—officially being the first person ever to use both “excited” and “nervous” in the same sentiment. She’s really not sure if she’s ready to introduce her family to the world, seeing that they’re two trench coats filled with giant stacks of horse figurines.
The President of Delt heads to a local bar to get advice from none other than Ben Higgins, famous former Bachelor who’s actually kind of hot if you look at him from exactly the right angle and imagine him in a totally different context, like sitting next to you at your doctor’s waiting room (your Primary Care Physician, because he can’t have anything seriously wrong with him in a fantasy, duh).
Ben “Sheryl Sandberg” Higgins tells the President of Delt to “Lean in. Be intentional.” They further destroy the patriarchy with a beautiful hug goodbye, and a quick glance at the bar shows them both with full water glasses. The bartender is infuriated and points to the nearby sign: “NO HEARTFELT ADVICE SESSIONS IF YOU’RE NOT ORDERING ANYTHING.”
The girls are back and are having an absolute conniption at the sight of the President of Delt’s dog. Seriously, the reaction was as if they’d been kidnapped for the past six weeks and this dog understanding their cries for help is their only chance at hope. The dog’s name is, dear God, SNIPER. Now, I’m not saying anything about our beautiful President of Delt here, but I don’t know a single Democratic soul who would name their dog Sniper.
It’s time for the first DenverDate™ and Tayshia is selected for the first one-on-one – I’m guessing because she is literally the only girl here not wearing black.
American Sniper Dog is apparently staying for the entire date, and I fondly remember all the cute boys I’ve conned into believing I actually liked their dog.
The couple goes to get ice cream, and the President of Delt asks to sample salted caramel pecan. I gasp at his interesting and unexpected flavor choice, but the next shot shows them sitting and eating the ice cream—dude ultimately chose vanilla. I truly hope there’s no symbolism here.
We cut to the two Supreme Hollister Employees, CBC (Conventionally Beautiful Cassie) and Queen Caelynn, doing their best evil-stepsisters impression by gossiping on a wildly ornate bed. Clearly there is gossip to be had, but Princess Tayshia will not let it interrupt her one-on-one. When explicitly asked for gossip by ultimate gossip-hound President of Delt, she nicely says “I don’t want to tattletale,” to which he replies “No, no, no, no, no!” – this is straight-white-male for “SPILL THAT TEA, SIS.” Princess Tayshia then namedrops the two Supreme Hollister Employees, and nobody namedrops the Supreme Hollister Employees and lives to wear another faded pink polo – nobody!
Hannah Basic is, apparently still here? How? She comments that her “one-on-one feels like forever ago.” GIRL… that is GOOD. You want as much time to pass as possible so he can completely forget about your utter inability to give a toast without robotically defaulting to “Roll Tide” you frickin’ fruck.
What in Virgin God’s name is happening here? Tayshia has apparently slipped into a… jersey? With the President of Delt’s last name on it? He immediately tackles her onto the bed? Excuse me… I thought this was a FAMILY show, for VIRGINS, and their VIRGIN FAMILIES. This is blasphemy.
Fast forward to after this post-homecoming-game makeout sesh—Jersey Girl Tayshia is now back at the ranch conspiring with Healed-Chin Kirpa. It’s now time for Queen Caelynn’s one-on-one and all of this tension seriously feels like we’re about to break out into a perfectly choreographed dance fight.
Queen Caelynn bashes opposing-gang Jersey Girl Tayshia by calling her “an insecure 28-year-old girl running around the house,” and anyone who has ears can hear the pure toxicity in her voice when she says “28-year-old”. Nope. No. Screw that. I am so done with the girls on this show vilifying the women who are older than them. Being younger does not make you better than anyone, and it definitely doesn’t give you a fresh-baby-throne to cast judgments from. I am over these Hollister employees’ Young Superiority Complex, and this anti-28-year-old shade has now demoted Queen Caelynn in my book. She will henceforth be creatively referred to as ‘Caelynn’.
By some form of whisper-magic, Caelynn bewitches her way back into the President of Delt’s good graces. The two of them dance to a private concert of yet another Anonymous Country Singer™. When will O Holiness Chris Harrison stop trying to make me like country music? It’s not gonna happen—unless it’s Taylor Swift or Kacey Musgraves. That goes without saying. Caelynn gets a rose, meaning that the President of Delt will officially be meeting her family next week. My guess is that her family dinners are just an assortment of people with blue eyes loudly stage-whispering over each other.
Also, Jersey Girl Tayshia is FINALLY coming out to play. She seems nice, but has seemed overall fake to me this entire season – most likely because the Bachelor Overlords™ edited out any parts where she shows a semblance of a personality. Not here though! I live for her being catty, and this is seriously the most emotion we’ve seen on her beautiful face.
Yay, a one-on-one with Hannah Basic—I have never dreaded anything more, and I got my wisdom teeth out without anesthesia.
Is she meeting the President of Delt’s family?!?! Now??? At this point in the show??? In this economy??!? Why do they do this to her? Seriously, this is so cruel, especially for Hannah Basic, already the most unstable contestant in Bachelor history. This is unjust and mean and wrong—is… that… his… dad…? [Unchained Melody starts playing in the background]
Daddy Delt, please punch me in the face. This man is an absolute specimen, the hottest of hot, and I will continue my thirst campaign until his “wife” is out of the picture and we get our first 55+ season of this godforsaken show.
Both parents start to grill Hannah Basic—not so much a ‘grill’ but a ‘light char’. And this is a direct quote that comes from her in response. I swear to Chanel. This is a real, verbatim thing that came out of Hannah Basic’s mouth—“I am so ready for engagement for marriage.” LMAO. Okay, do they not teach Grammar 101 at University of Alabama? Too easy, y’all.
The President of Delt’s parents can collectively ruin my life. Their not-as-hot son tells them that Hannah Basic “said she was falling in love with me, and I’m not there yet.” Um. Then. Why. Did. You. Introduce. Her. To. Your. Parents?!?! The disrespect here. Well, in his defense, I’m guessing he did this to really confirm that he was not into her—but honestly how rude to introduce her to Daddy Delt then immediately take that sweetness away. Unforgiveable.
Daddy Delt reminds his not-as-hot son to trust his gut, because “you have a great gut.” YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN. We only see it in the shower, or on the beach, or really anywhere they can put it, in every single GD episode. Drool.
Hannah Basic and Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son leave the Delt House, and it so silent in this car ride back. She asks “are you okay?” and immediately reminds me of asking my high school boyfriends this exact question the second before I learn they’ve been cheating on me with the girl they took to homecoming in ninth grade. Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son fakely answers her question, and is overall acting super moody in this G-Wagon – and everyone knows being sad in a G-Wagon is my life goal.
The couple eats dinner in front of a massive American flag, further confirming that this episode was directed by Clint Eastwood.
Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son looks Hannah Basic in the eye and asks her how she knows she’s falling in love with him—because y’know when you’re falling in love with someone, and all you want is for them to ask “Seriously? How?” This is so bad and I’m experiencing a rare moment of empathy for Hannah Basic.
This rare moment is immediately shattered when she tells him “I don’t date to date, I date for marriage.” No, no, no, no, NO. Guys, this is not a healthy approach at all. Date people. Date all kinds of people. Date more people. Experience life. Date even more people. Don’t put the pressure of ~forever~ on every single person you encounter. Take everything one step at a time, and cross that bridge when you come to it.
Hannah Basic further professes her love, to which Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son says “I want to… thank you for that.” Hahahaha, tragic. The not-as-hot son confirms what we’ve been thinking, and sends Hannah Basic home. I just cracked up to myself imagining her just growling again right now, hahahaha. Aw, psycho.
I have to say, she took this very well. She and Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, both had graceful and empowering exits. This is definitely the first season in Bachelor history to throw some girl power into these breakups, and I am here for it.
Also, this is hands down the best dress in Bachelor history. The sound of Hannah Basic’s voice might literally make my ears bleed, but the girl can dress. She says in the limo back, “The desire of my heart is to be loved so fearlessly by somebody. I will not allow myself to not feel chosen every single day.” Jesus Christ, do I love her now?! I am so obsessed with this quote, and fully respect her and everything she’s clearly been through.
Sigh. We cut to… Big Thunder Mountain Railroad? In Disneyland? It’s time for the group date and we are ready to choo choo, my dudes. Approximately 2.1 minutes in, Horse Girl becomes the 498th girl this season to send herself home, telling Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son that she doesn’t know if she’s ready to introduce someone to her family if she’s not completely sure. Honey, you just had your first kiss – of course you’re not ready to bring your ceramic-horse-parents into the mix. Sigh. For one last time, Horse Girl gallops off into the sunset.
“With Heather gone, there are still three women here.” The President of Delt continues to be the king of math, absolute top of his class for arithmetic.
And we are back on the cusp of a perfectly choreographed dance fight. Healed-Chin Kirpa and CBC are nonstop shading each other. My favorite here: “I think Cassie is still trying to find herself in life.” Hahahahaha. Wow. This is the kind of pettiness I’m here for. Yes, Kirpz.
Interestingly enough, this is the first episode that puts CBC in an unflattering light. Her crazy eyes in the last part of this episode are truly on another level of spooky. Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son confronts her about all this drama, and she automatically starts crying. Kids, if you ask someone a difficult question and they start crying before you even finish your sentence—say it with me now—They. Are. Guilty. We’re finally starting to learn that CBC is not only conventionally beautiful, but manipulative and Machiavellian in a way that (sadly) usually comes with being so conventionally beautiful. She later tells Healed-Chin Kirpa “This all just reeks of desperation to me.” Yep, she’s guilty, and you can tell because she’s going straight for the low blows. C’mon, girl, everyone knows I wrote this playbook.
Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son is overwhelmed with all this drama. “What do I do to protect myself?” asks the guy who’s never once used a condom in his life.
Healed-Chin Kirpa hilariously refers to the beginning of the drama as “the Vietnam situation” – hahahahahahaha. This is too easy. Thimble shows off her intelligence, finely tuned in dungeons by her fairy godmother: “I can be going home with my suitcase, or going home with Colton.” Yes, Thimble, that is correct! Good job, my dear!
A clock is loudly ticking in the background to illustrate tension – so you KNOW the director of this episode (Clint Eastwood) went to film school. Healed-Chin Kirpa and CBC are theatrically staring at each other. Thimble can be heard giggling in the background—someone is definitely being turned into a frog.
Daddy Delt’s not-as-hot son follows his famous gut, and sends Healed-Chin Kirpa home. So sad, her chin was just starting to see the light of day.
There is a dark, sinister evil behind CBC’s eyes that we’ve never seen before. It now all makes sense how she climbed her way to the top of the Hollister management ladder. Both she and Caelynn, the other Supreme Hollister Employee, have finally clawed their way to the top four—along with Thimble and Jersey Girl Tayshia.
Remember kids, mean girls never win—unless, of course, they’re conventionally beautiful.
Coming up next week, LET ME SEE THEM DADS!!!!!!!!