“Donnnnggggg”
We open on the ringing of vaguely-Buddhist bells, sounding like Colton’s famously uninitiated body part. There are monkeys! There are children barebacking horses! There are thirteen Hollister-sales-associate-looking girls! People, welcome to Thailand.
Right off the bat, Demi refers to herself in the third person, and Kali does not like this at all. We then cut to Colton showering—did you guys know Colton showers? You did? Is it because, oh, I don’t know, the Bachelor Overlords™ show him showering literally e-ver-y single episode? Why, O Holiness Chris Harrison? Does he not shower in real life and you’re trying to overcompensate? Is this some kind of hygiene conspiracy?!
Oh, wait. His nipples. That’s why we like showering scenes. Drool.
Awesome-NBA-Dancer Sydney (who I think is absolutely PSYCHO for introducing herself as a “dancer” when they first met – is the NBA not cool enough? Like, I can technically call myself a “dancer”?!) says Colton owes her “hot tub time”. I suddenly want to live in a world where Hot Tub Time is a currency. Sorry, bartender, I can only pay for my Dirty Shirley tab with 2.5 hours of Hot Tub Time, giggity.
Horse Girl is getting a one-on-one! Oh, I’m sorry, Heather. But seriously, Heather looks IDENTICAL to an infamous Horse Girl™ from my Christian middle school. She was the prettiest girl in our eighth grade class and a gymnastics prodigy, so all the boys had a crush on her (and oddly not the EXQUISITE Spelling Bee prodigy who was also in their class). I would refer to Heather as this girl’s name, but Facebook makes things weird so we’ll just go with Horse Girl.
But really, guys, Horse Girl literally looks like she’s in eighth grade. If you also think you look like an eighth-grader, check with your doctor for these symptoms:
1) Is your hair longer than your waist?
2) Is it flat-ironed to filth and bleached blonde?
3) Are you wearing Bonne Bell lip gloss?
There’s also the obvious symptom that she’s never been kissed, but I’m not trying to To-Catch-a-Predator Colton here. Sweet, sweet Colton. The boy is currently dressed like the president of Delta Tau Delta sending pledges out to buy mixers for their Hawaiian-themed rager. Sigh.
The President of Delt and Horse Girl then get into a rickety boat to explore the apparently-abandoned coast of Thailand. Horse Girl says this is the “most romantic spot” she could’ve imagined – If by “romantic” you mean this literally looks like the foreboding scene in Pirates of the Caribbean where they sail past dead hanging pirates under a sign painted in blood “ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER” – then yeah, totally romantic.
Meanwhile, Kirpa is trying to casually pass as if she doesn’t have a giant stark white Band-Aid on her chin. No, no – this isn’t even a trademarked, brand name Band-Aid. This is a giant piece of white gauze lazily Scotch-taped to her chin. Kirpz, hon, there is no popped pimple/cut/scratch/flesh-eating leech large enough to warrant this look on national television. I have no idea who she’s talking to but they must be talking about Band-Aids? Right?
We then reminisce over Elyse’s one-on-one in a filter so soft-focus it would make Barbara Walters cry. This can only mean one thing—Elyse is about to get murdered.
Okay, the still-alive Elyse is mentally saddling up to confront the President of Delt about her insecurities with this whole show. We then discover the most shocking thing in all of Bachelor history—Elyse… has… an… ankle tattoo… of a…. CHANEL. ROSARY. LIKE, A ROSARY BUT INSTEAD OF A CROSS IT’S THE CHANEL LOGO. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. I don’t remember learning about Coco Chanel in Sunday School. Whew.
The President of Delt then asks Horse Girl the most absurdly ridiculous question ever asked in the entirety of the universe—“DO YOU BLOW KISSES?” YEAH, COLTON? IS THAT WHAT WE’RE SAYING? OUT LOUD? I am shook. All hail Colton, Respecter of Boundaries, King of Consent. Jesus Chanel Almighty, my eyes are rolling so hard.
Elyse is still cursing to the Chanel gods about not being chosen for a second one-on-one date. Kirpa is still, yes, wearing a towel-sized piece of gauze on her chin and, no, nobody has acknowledged it.
Alas, the kiss! Her big eighth-grade milestone finally happens. The President of Delt looks giddy because he finally took someone’s virginity of sorts. Horse Girl looks giddy because she finally kissed a boy. They didn’t show this but she absolutely went home that night to sketch two horses making out.
Elyse is dressed like a pre-Kanye Taylor Swift so you know something psychotic is about to happen. She invades the President of Delt’s room and completely unloads. He then buries his blonde head in his hands, which highlights the… bracelets? That he’s wearing? From… Aldo? The ones that’ll definitely give him a tan line after Delt Spring Break in the Keys? She hits him with a “I can’t accept your proposal.” LMAO, say it with me now, WHAT proposal? Ya boy is dating twelve other girls, honey. T-W-E-L-V-E. She fails to realize this and leaves the show. What in Chanel’s name just happened.
It’s group date time! We are in the jungle, people. Queen Caelynn is still talking like she’s whisper-scolding a toddler. Demi is wearing pigtails in her undying quest to look like an illegal porn category. The President of Delt is a Hollister branding guide come to life. Hannah B. growls… again… her unadulterated basicness continues to pain me. She later screeches that she wants to show the President of Delt “What Love Looks Like with Hannah” – this is also the name of a talk show airing in the seventh circle of hell.
The President of Delt attempts to hold a giant snake but immediately runs away, going from I’m A Slave 4 U to Indiana Jones in seconds. Everyone is split up into teams and has an hour to forage for food and water. I thought Real World/Road Rules Challenge was cancelled…? Tayshia steals the President of Delt for a kiss, while her teammates Nicole and Katie watch from the shadows. Nicole and Katie are also wearing matching outfits during this, so they full on look like a jealous Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams watching Beyoncé win a Grammy.
Hot Jungle Guide calls the end of the challenge, and Team Demi comes back with… wow, burgers and liquor. They straight-up CHEATED, and the Lord Chanel does not forgive those who cheat (lest ye be condemned to a life of cheap clothing!).
We then cut to the absolutely unnecessary beef between Onyeka and Nicole. Onyeka says Nicole is only here because she wants to get out of Miami—Y’DUH. Onyeka, Miami is the equivalent of every Tiesto song playing over each other. Let the girl travel.
The group date rose goes to Hannah B., I’m guessing because she screeched at frequency so high it immediately hypnotized the President of Delt into full submission.
Finally, it’s time for the last one-on-one – this time, with Conventionally Beautiful Cassie (CBC). Back at the ranch, Horse Girl is seething. Does the President of Delt have a crush on CBC? Do these two Hollister models have feelings for each other? Do they make out in the dressing room while Death Cab for Cutie blares on the speaker?! Do they?! Band-Aid points out that CBC is “insanely beautiful” which at this point just means that she doesn’t have an entire Jo-Ann Fabrics taped to her chin.
Let’s fast-forward through sexily discussing virginity in bed to the cocktail party. The tension is THICC and everyone is literally sweating. Onyeka is sweating. Demi is sweating. The President of Delt is sweating. Nicole is… not sweating – she’s from Florida, you amateurs.
What Nicole lacks in sweat glands, she makes up for in nostril flares. She and Onyeka are head-to-head in a classic battle of sweat versus nostrils. Everyone is heated and I truly do not know what they’re fighting about. Band-Aids? Probably?
The President of Delt is talking to Katie, the Most Underrated Contestant Here, but sadly hits her with a BRB – he can’t even hold a conversation without hearing the screams of Sweat vs. Nostrils in the background. It’s time to intervene.
Dude finally sits RIGHT NEXT TO THEM, and they’re STILL FIGHTING. Sweat and Nostrils might as well have “SEND ME HOME” written on their foreheads. But let’s be real, it could be written there and I wouldn’t even notice – I’m still agape at someone literally wearing a ghost costume on their chin to a cocktail party. Chanel bless you, Kirpz.
Sweat and Nostrils intensify, and suddenly I look at the time and realize—there… isn’t going to be a rose ceremony tonight? Unless it’s the fastest rose ceremony of all time? Yeah?
YEP. NO ROSE CEREMONY. I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN LORD CHANEL.
Next week’s previews show Round 2 of the Sweat/Nostrils showdown, Demi in a Hollister SS19 ‘fit, the President of Delt being a sad boi—and, you guessed it, showering!!! Drool. The week’s blooper unexpectedly goes to Awesome-NBA-Dancer, trying so hard to make an adult joke to someone who’s literally never had intercourse before. She then says “…It’s a sexual innuendo,” because you know a joke is good when you have to say that!
Y’all. Send help.
This episode has been brought to you by Band-Aid™
