We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison, presiding on his throne over all that is sacred. O Holiness is still recoiling from when His beloved son, the President of Delt, jumped over the gate in a fit of rejection, henceforth known as GateGate 2019. I howl with laughter at His referring to it as “disappearing into the darkness of the Portuguese countryside.” Now, that is an Emily Blunt-centered movie I will watch.
The PrettyGirls™ are introduced with The Most Awkward Applause Contest of All Time and it physically pains every bone in my useless body. Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, actually gets a big response I slowly begin to regain strength.
Montage #1: Historical BCU Breakups
[The BCU is obviously referring to the Bachelor Cinematic Universe, nerds.] We kick off this hellhole of a night with a look into when this show was Good™.
Hear me out, Jason might look like a sketch comedy caricature of George W. Bush, but dear God that season was good. He ended up getting with the runner-up after the show ended! And now they have legitimate children together! O Holiness couldn’t write this ish if He tried!
Siri, remind me to look up Frank from Ali’s season – that flashback made me Sprite-commercial-level thirsty. And Brooks! From Worst Bachelorette Ever Desiree’s season! Wow. Remember when this show used to recruit certifiable dimes and not just the cast of a 13-year-old’s Instagram Discover Page? Sigh.
WHEW, I’m hyena-laughing at Farmer Chris breaking up with Ashley I. – she’s been stalking Jared “Maybe? He was hot? In high school?!” Haibon for so long that seeing her on the actual Bachelor seems like an alternate universe.
On a serious note, as someone who’s suffered through some traumatic panic attacks, I sincerely hated the last part of this montage—basically a medley of various BCU anxiety attacks edited for comedic effect. This is so problematic and triggered a rage inside of me so hot and fiery that I felt like Chris Evans in Fantastic Four. Ugh.
Satan’s Montage is over, and, oh, you thought there wouldn’t be a BCU-mandated shower scene in the Women Tell All? Hahaha, oh, dear, sweetie, honey. The President of Delt appears to be backstage at the current moment, showering. Dear Lord—doesn’t he have all the time in the world avoiding sex like the plague to shower before something like this?
The PrettyGirls™ all go around and tell O Holiness their first impressions of the President of Delt, which are all variations of “This specimen is conventionally attractive and good.”
Montage #2: Pitting Girls Against Each Other Is Healthy And Fun!
Our second montage of MontageFest 2019 is just everyone being big ol’ bitches to each other. The best part of this whole montage is T A Y S H I A telling the President of Delt that CBC might “not be ready to get engaged at the end of this.” OH, REALLY? It’s almost like, oh, I don’t know, the President of Delt was WARNED? And didn’t process the literal information through his dumb sexy head? How very, very interesting.
Sweat vs. Nostrils is back, baby! Sweat (Onyeka) and Nostrils (Nicole) have their most flattering moments rehashed in this montage, and, boy oh boy, do I hate Sweat. Her behavior during this Women Tell All is disgusting and the most pitch-perfect example of a bully. Beyond all of that, her embarrassing usage of “thank you, next” is a federal crime, and if I wasn’t so otherworldly-obsessed with Ariana, Sweat’s usage of that phrase would ruin the song for me altogether.
O Holiness actually gives Nostrils a chance to state her case, and Awesome-NBA-Dancer Sydney comes to her defense by saying Sweat “was just here to create noise.” YES. GURL. I LOVE THAT.
Can we talk about Caelynn’s god-awful cheek filler? Jesus. Cheeklynn went for the full Chrissy Teigen treatment and came back looking like a Wisdom Teeth Furby™. Cheeklynn is truly awful and just reeks of fakeness and collagen. Dear Hannah Basic, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever said about you. You got a rough, unfair edit – and I apologize for letting the Bachelor Overlords influence my perception of you. Forgive me? Please? Okay, fine, I’ll say it, but just once—Roll Tide. I also just noticed Elyse isn’t here – I’m guessing because Karl Lagerfeld passed away so she and her Chanel rosary tattoo are taken with religious mourning.
Meanwhile, the bottom left corner of this entire show has had the President of Delt literally showering in a soft-focus circle – this show is serving up more gratuitous softcore 55-year-old-lady bait than the entire Fifty Shades franchise.
Finally, the first person gets the hot seat—our dear, dear Demi.
Montage #3: Demi’s Time On The Bachelor, AKA “Does She Have Parents?”
Yes, Demi continues to blow smoke up her own ass whenever she opens her huge mouth, but she had some great clapbacks tonight. I loved how she ‘apologized’ to Courtney with, “Calling you ‘cancer of the house’ was too far… you were more like bedbugs.”
This girl is absolutely maddening, but she can fit a whole salami in her mouth and we as a nation have to respect that.
Montage #4: Gallons of Nostril Tears
Nostrils if next in the hot seat, and we are all beat to death with the fact that this human girl feels feelings. O Holiness dares to ask, “So, what is it with the emotions?” I’m sorry, WHAT?! You’re asking that?! In this economy?! Someone hold me back! I’m taking off my earrings.
O Holiness then barely redeems himself to half of the world’s population by giving Nostrils a year’s supply of Halo Top ice cream. I have no idea what’s happening but clearly O Holiness is securing that Halo Top sponsorship and I respect his commitment to the bag. We cut to the President of Delt eating ice cream in the shower and it is a m o o d.
Montage #5: Hannah Basic’s Basic Time On This Basic Show
Hannah Basic is next in the hot seat, and the audience is holding up posters that say BEAST. Oh, is it cool to make up nicknames for ourselves now? Cool. Please call me Viper, thank you.
This montage is insufferable. I know, I love her now, but the Bachelor Overlords really edited her to look ridiculous. I did sincerely laugh after though, when O Holiness asked, “You have trouble being vulnerable?” And all she says is, “Did you watch my first one-on-one?” We love a self-aware queen.
Hannah Basic is being so honest and real about her anxiety and the pressure she puts on herself to be perfect and I love everything about her stupid self. She says, “I deserve so much more… than the Alabama lifestyle.” I am agreeing so hard I’m in tears, and I’m not even from Alabama. Meanwhile, Cheeklynn’s squirrel-preparing-to-hibernate cheeks are about to implode with rage. Hannah Basic gets to redo her toast moment, and, if only for one second, all is right in the world.
Montage #6: Cheeklynn’s Pre-Filler Journey
It’s Cheeklynn’s turn for the hot seat, and guys, I have to be real with you—it is weirdly raining so hard in LA, and my TV displayed a loud flash flood warning that completely bleeped out most of whatever Cheeklynn said. I will bank that she said something annoying and fake and “use code HOLLISTER for 10% off your next round of injections!”
She does get a nice applause for openly talking about her assault, and I regain respect for her and her brave cheeks.
Ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folks—the President of Delt is finally here. I’m just happy that he finished his shower dessert and was able to get clean for all of us at home. We were worried.
He has… brown hair now? Dude definitely looks different. Either he stopped getting highlights, or finally let go of his v-card—my bet’s on the first one. Demi immediately hijacks everything, per usual, to tell him that “you wanted to lead someone, and I was leading you.” There are so many layers of shade in that statement, Shrek is quaking. She then jokingly introduces Courtney to the President of Delt, and again, Courtney has absolutely nothing to say. At this point, I don’t know if she’s just refusing to indulge Demi, or if she really is that terrified of boys. The President of Delt is confused, per usual, and O Holiness reaffirms what all of us have been thinking all night, “Really nothing happened tonight.”
Montage #7: Bloopers, Baby!
Listen. Guys. Can I be honest for a sec? Okay, I live for the annual bloopers montage. I genuinely, sincerely enjoy them every season—all the way from Billy Eichner’s handsome face, to the President of Delt getting farther with a stray dog than any girl in the history of his life. We then get deep into a medley of him saying “nailed it!” approximately one million times—and you just know this dude’s favorite movie is Anchorman.
Montage #8: Finale Preview! I’m Screaming.
DADDY. DELT. IS. BACK. Y’ALL. He is back. He is crying. He is… wearing a ring?! WHO IS SHE? We get a brief second of Thimble saying “I love you” with so many elaborate hand motions that you 100% know we were all just put under some sort of Transfiguration spell.
Montage #9: White Boys Can’t Dance (Unless You’re Justin Timberlake)
Okay, I honestly love that the President of Delt at least tries to dance. There’s nothing I hate more than someone who just flat-out doesn’t dance. Listen, if you sit out during the Cha Cha Slide, you are a terrorist and that’s just a fact.
The last second of this dancing montage is the moment I never knew I needed—Horse Girl getting hit on the head. And just like that, her gallop was never the same.