Yee-frickin’-haw, y’all. Your girl (me) is back to dismantle the Bachelor Cinematic Universe, week by week. Thank you for coming on this ~journey~ with me—let’s do this.
We open on a montage of Hannah Basic being Charismatic and Fun and We Swear She’s A Good Bachelorette Choice You Guys™. Someone says “She’s not an actress, she’s not a movie star.” N’duh. Is it because being an actress requires knowing how to read and speak in public? I digress.
[SIDENOTE: Last season, I referred to our Bachelorette as Hannah Basic. I will do so for continuity’s sake but I am actively looking for another nickname, i.e. Alabama or Homecoming Queen or ADPi or Princess Anxiety or LiveLaughLove, etc.]
We’re gallivanting around Alabama and we get our very first “Roll Tide”. Throw it up on the board!
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 1
I’ll be keeping track of all Roll Tides because I’m so excited to see this number explode over the season. They ask the local Home Depot employee about Hannah Basic and he says he’s “very proud.” She says “Really?” because they’ve absolutely never met before—love it!
The Bachelor Overlords treat us to a pageant supercut, and I realize something:
IT’S THE MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS SEASON!
No chance in hell we’ll have another Bachelorette of color anytime soon but the Overlords will acknowledge that anxiety is real and that’s as far as we’ll venture into 2019 – baby steps.
We get a soft-focus montage of the President of Delt, who is absolutely still keeping CBC (Conventionally Beautiful Cassie) hostage in his basement. They included Hannah Basic’s egregious inability to say a toast, but only for a split-second because this is her season after all.
We cut to Demi and Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, helping Hannah Basic try on her over-sequined dress. Demi is wearing a turtleneck because she’s over her days of humping anything that moves.
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 2
We cut to various contestants literally vlogging their trip to California. Folks, if I wanted to watch almost-hot boys use their selfie cam on a plane, I would actually watch my college friends’ Instagram stories, ‘kay?
Our first contender is Tyler from Jupiter, FL (ew). He’s a construction worker but lives to dance shirtless. This is literally an 80s movie and he will now be referred to as Patrick Swayze. We then meet Pilot Peter whose dad was a pilot and mom was a flight attendant [Pornhub has entered the chat]. We cut to Mike who yells at his phone “Up 5.7%?!” so you know this guy’s favorite movie is Wolf of Wall Street.
“I’M JOE BARSANO AND I SELL BOXES.” All I have to say is:
Aw, I genuinely laughed at the nickname “Old Matt Donald”. He comes from a deaf family and said “Roll Tide” then they signed it back, which counts!
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 4
Y’all. I actually can’t with Luke. His whole story is that he’s a self-proclaimed “good-looking guy” who felt “emptiness” from getting with too many girls. Sad! He then… HAD AN ENCOUNTER WITH GOD… IN THE SHOWER… WHERE HE TOLD HIM TO CHANGE HIS WAYS… Hahahaha, ‘kay dude. He also has a blonde beard which should be illegal because they look like hair-shaped skin.
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 5
All hail – O Holiness Chris Harrison arriveth. He looks Hannah Basic straight in the face and tells her that tonight “is not going to be perfect.” Okay, that was hot?
LET’S MEET THESE BOYS [cue: DJ air horn sound effect].
The “first out of the limo” honor goes to Garrett who I immediately ignore because he’s wearing a wide tie. Next we have Mike of Wall Street who introduces himself as “Mike Johnson” like it’s one word. We have Jed, a country singer (hereafter referred to as Jed Y’all). Dylan is a “tech entrepreneur” who’s in a full-on tuxedo. I seriously doubt that job title ‘cause there’s not a single person in tech who owns any clothing beyond a plaid flannel.
I usually hate jokes that refer to the previous season, but the fence-jump entrance here was adorable. Especially when they’re from someone named Connor who is absolutely over 6’. Ruin me!
John Paul Jones jumps out looking like Sunshine from Remember The Titans. Hannah Basic said his name three times and he just showed up in my mirror with a bloody knife.
I’M JOE BARSANO AND I SELL BOXES™ enters in—you guessed it—a box. Connor (who said he comes from a “really diverse family” and is literally just half-Chinese) introduces himself in French – this guy is clearly having an ethnicity crisis. He will hereby be referred to as Mr. Worldwide. Dále.
A wild “Roller Boy” enters on roller skates as a pun on Ye Cursed Phrase.
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 7
The most underrated person here is the guy who stuffed a hot dog in his mouth because “it’s a sausage party tonight.” He also brought a Costco-sized mustard and I will marry this man.
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 8
Luke, now known as ChristianMingle, climbs out the limo like King Kong as a play on Hannah Basic’s nickname “Beast”. Someone inside the mansion points out, “I saw you on AFR After the Final Rose.” CHILDREN, the whole point of abbreviations is to shorten your words. Why in fresh hell would you say the abbreviation then immediately what it stands for? TSD that’s so dumb.
Fact: Hannah Basic is all-caps INTO the guys she already met on AFR After the Final Rose (I can’t stop). She’s greeting all of them like old friends – including Cam, AKA Killer Cam, the rapping dude who received an early rose (so it’s somewhat acceptable that he says he was “spittin’ some bars like Willy Wonka”.) What is NOT acceptable is that he subsequently said “ABC, Always Be Cam.” Did these boys never learn what abbreviations are?!
We’re then treated to two pilots back-to-back which is the worst news for them because they also both have brown hair and brown eyes! Eek! Pilot 1 is Chasen—chasin’ what, dude [hits bong]—and Pilot 2 is Pilot Peter with the porny parents (Pilot Peter picked a pepper… okay done).
[SINCERE NOTE: I loved Hannah Basic’s prayer here—“Give me patience, give me the words. Help me feel worthy. Help me feel smart.”]
Cocktail party time! Hannah Basic enters the mansion and the boys are howlin’.
ChristianMingle swoops in and bravely admits he’s from Jacksonville. I truly hate when he said “I’m already really into you… so you’ve got some catching up to do!” Shut—and I cannot emphasize this enough—up, dude. She doesn’t owe you anything, so get outta here with that contrived reciprocity.
Mr. Worldwide throws her a “bachelorette” party and I’m honestly surprised he knows what an American bachelorette party is since he’s definitely the guy who studied abroad once and now calls college “uni”.
First kiss alert! It sadly goes to Killa Cam who’s absolutely going to write a rap about it in the vein of “Superman” by Slim Shady. Jed Y’all plays her a song and his ears are on the lower half of his face.
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 10
Demi and Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, then pull TF up in an FBI surveillance van because nothing is real. Demi says one of the guys there has a girlfriend, because you can put a turtleneck on a snake but you can’t take the snake out of the turtleneck… is this metaphor tracking?
ROLL TIDE TALLY: 12
Pilot Peter has big Bob Guiney energy and I’m into it. A random guy and Hannah Basic talk about how they love interior design and I just know she loves a good “Live Laugh Love” rustic wooden plaque. That absolute random is apparently the guy with a girlfriend and I’m going to fast-forward because he’s a solid 3 at best.
JohnPaulJones™ looks like he says “hyphen John Paul Jones” after everything he says. ChristianMingle is wearing a purple paisley tie and I’m reminded that there’s no fashion advice in the Bible, sis.
Second kiss alert! This boy looks like a distant Kennedy nephew, and he’s the one who jumped the fence earlier so he’s skyrocketing to the top of my Good List. ChristianMingle gets the First Impression rose because nothing matters. They make out and it’s the worst ASMR video I’ve ever seen.
After what seems like four years, it’s time for Hannah Basic’s first rose ceremony. Roses go to: MikeJohnson™, Hot Kennedy Nephew, Matthew (?), Mr. Worldwide, Jed Y’all, Dustin (Nose Ring Guy from AFR After the Final Rose), Joey With The Hair Part, Pilot Peter, Dylan (the “tech” boy in a full-on tux), Matteo (?), Jonathan (brought pizza), Patrick Swayze, Tyler G. (??), Daron (?!), Discount Nick Viall, Garrett (wide tie), Hot Dog Grant, Kevin (???), and lastly, JohnPaulJones™.
Before his last rose, JohnPaulJones™ sweats that he didn’t “forego a promotion” to not continue. Dude, your job title is literally “John Paul Jones” – were you up for “promotion” with yourself? Who were you up against?
No love for Pilot 1. No love for Old Matt Donald. No love for Bob Vance, I mean, I’M JOE BARSANO AND I SELL BOXES™. We get a season preview and all I have to say is that Hannah Basic unironically says “Holy ham, I’m in Amsterdam.” What.
The season’s first blooper goes to O Holiness Chris Harrison cleaning up Bob Vance’s packing popcorn—gone too soon, RIP.
FINAL ROLL TIDE TALLY: 12