We open on a waterfall. Hannah Basic is dancing around columns like it’s 632 AD and she just poisoned her overbearing lord.
Luke P. (who I referred to as ChristianMingle last recap but will now call him The Hottest 8th Grader at Church) is wearing a huge silver cross over a boxy white tee like it’s 1993 and he’s about to film a B-level music video. He’s an “Import/Export Manager” which I’m 100% sure is just a mailman.
It’s the first group date of the season, and we’re in a Downtown LA black box theater where I have absolutely bombed multiple open mics. Miss J. Alexander! Alyssa Edwards! Alaska! The winner of The Bachelorette will be awarded a modeling contract with Next Model Management, a fashion spread in Teen Vogue, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics.
The boys (who have never seen a day of suffering in their lives) are about to compete in a “Mr. Right Pageant”. Alyssa Edwards asks The Hottest 8th Grader at Church what his biggest asset is and he genuinely says “my character.” The queen’s response: “…Dig a little deeper.” Yes. The best moment of this dang episode happens early when Alaska and Jed Y’all are workshopping his song for the pageant:
Poetry! Our brief moment of skadoosh is slaughtered—it’s time to unapologetically objectify men, sis! I don’t know half of these guys’ names but I can now rank their nipples from smallest to largest! Yay!
[EXTREME THIRST WARNING: JED Y’ALL’S BODY…? SINCE WHEN? HOW? HOW DO YOU HIDE THAT FROM ME? AFTER ALL THIS TIME?]
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, so—I don’t care how hard The Hottest 8th Grader at Church works out—this guy has the personality of a torn cardboard package of expired protein shakes. It comes as a surprise to no one that JohnPaulJones™ knows how to ride a unicycle. We now know that his job title only says his name because he’s an independent contractor busking on the Venice Beach Boardwalk.
Jed Y’all is about to take this whole thing. He’s wearing a Dudley Do-Right hat and definitely nailing the aesthetic that Justin Timberlake was going for in Man of the Woods. He sings and I’m questioning everything I know—do I really have a crush on someone with the same name as an Amish teenager? What is life?
For his talent portion, The Hottest 8th Grader at Church surprisingly does not just memorize Bible verses while doing push-ups. His “talent” is … talking… and standing… at the same time? He tells Hannah Basic’s he’s starting to fall in love with her, which is a cheap ploy to get early attention. Hannah Basic falls for it and crowns him Mr. Right. Dude is smiling like he just successfully cheated on his algebra quiz.
We cut to the night portion of the date and OH MY GOD DID THE HOTTEST 8th GRADER AT CHURCH JUST SMELL THE WINE AND NOT TAKE A SIP… He was definitely hoping for Capri Sun or Sunny D. (Wow, do all fun childhood drinks have “Sun” in them? In this Ted Talk I will—) Despite not being sugar-hyped up, this dude still has the audacity to steal Hannah Basic away first and double down on his use of the L word. She says, “What the crap is happening?” and I’m like “please STCU.”
MikeJohnson™ asks The Hottest 8th Grader at Church about this and he responds, “that’s a phenomenal question.” MikeJohnson™ then says how overusing that word is “blasphemy” and clearly there’s an SAT English tutor hiding somewhere in the mansion. The group date rose goes to Jed Y’all who on one hand, I adore, but on the other hand, referred to Alyssa Edwards and Alaska as “the drags”. Hannah Basic offers him the rose and he says “Yes, times eleven” and okay fine—I love Jed Y’all 3000.
-
It’s time for the first one-on-one! The honor goes to Tyler G. who Hannah Basic compares to “Tim Tebow… but hotter.” I honestly thought Tyler G. was okay but then she compared him to a virgin Gator and now I am forced to despise him.
Hannah Basic is wearing an all-white outfit to take him mudding because apparently this episode is sponsored by Tide. She says “I’m gonna need three showers,” which is also how I feel after every episode of this godforsaken show. Tyler G. is hot but I’m not sure if he’s a real person or just an amalgam of various attractive males? Listen, I’m not saying he’s a robot, but I am saying that I would appreciate it if Hannah Basic administered a Turing test. TylerBot gets a rose and all of Silicon Valley is celebrating this win.
-
It’s time for the second group date and we’re getting kneepad-deep in roller derby. Hannah Basic is wearing pleather spandex shorts and I’m jealous—my cottage cheese legs could never. Oh no, Kevin looks exactly like TylerBot. Is Kevin also an amalgam of attractive males? Is there a glitch in the Matrix?!
Fred Willard, the GOAT, joins O Holiness Chris Harrison in commentating these boys attempting to roller skate. Folks, I don’t ever remember having trouble with roller skates, and I athletically peaked in 7th grade. Roller derby is absolutely wild and the crowd is chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!” I am instantly transported to an alternate fantasy where this show involved the boys killing each other. Sigh.
We’re at the night portion of the date—Hannah Basic changed from pleather shorts to pleather pants so you know she’s trying to suck face tonight. She makes out with Nose Ring Guy. She cuddles with Pilot Peter whose tan would make J.Lo cry. Then—Cam (who I was referring to as Killa Cam, but then he called himself that tonight and I will absolutely not encourage that) barges in? What the crap?
This dude is so pathetic. He’s talking to the camera about his “bold” decision and Patrick Swayze, aka Hot Miles Teller, aka the absolute best-looking person on this show, just rolls up and is like—“you good?” Everyone’s interrupting everyone and I immediately black out once Cam says “y’all’s toes don’t matter.” Nose Ring Guy gets the well-deserved group date rose and buys out the nearest Spencer’s Gifts to celebrate.
-
Um, where the crap has Hot Kennedy Nephew been this entire episode? He’s gotten no love on the date cards but the second Hannah Basic walked into the cocktail party, he handed her a drink. This guy is a keeper and I will do literally anything for him or to him.
KevinBot steals her away and answers “yes ma’am” when she asks if he’s still in the military. Psycho Cam then barges in on them (his signature), but forgets to excuse KevinBot so the three of them are just, like, chilling, watching him propose to her with a McDonald’s nugget in some sort of “chicken nugget ceremony”. Shortly after, KevinBot is on Angry Mode and throws Chicken McNuggets at Psycho Cam. I’m just happy that I’m not the only one who keeps McNuggets in their pocket.
Jed Y’all walks in on The Hottest 8th Grader at Church and Hannah Basic viciously making out—and folks, this guy is an absolute class act. Hannah Basic—who I think is extremely drunk here—walks out to Jed Y’all, and he jokes that “I should’ve walked back in with my pants off.” Wow. That was a 10 out of 10 response from Jed Y’all. He then further secures his ranch-style place in my heart with “If you go around being jealous or worried, it’d never paid off one time in my life, ever.” This guy is it.
The moon is full and the wolves are drooling—it’s rose ceremony time. Patrick Swayze gets the first rose—I mean, look at him. Less important roses go to Garrett, Devin, Hot Kennedy Nephew, The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, Dylan (the guy who wore a tux last week), Discount Nick Viall, MikeJohnson™, Pilot Peter, KevinBot, Jonathan (accepted his rose “with honor” like he’s on Game of Thrones [RIP]), Joey With The Bad Hair, JohnPaulJones™, Hot Dog Grant, and Psycho Cam – who further proves his nickname by toasting “to my future best friend, Ms. Hannah Ayala—that’s my last name.” Dude, what?
The Hottest 8th Grader at Church then walks in on Hannah Basic while she’s talking to the camera. This part infuriated me so much—asking “why don’t you just sit in my lap?” while they’re literally right under the boom operator. I hate this. She tried again to talk to him about the L word and he sweet-talks his way out of it, just like how he sweet-talked his way out of detention for cheating on that algebra test.
This week’s blooper goes to—Matteo? I think? He eats bugs because the President of Delt was too vanilla to while they were in Thailand last season. They don’t kiss after he downs this plate of bugs and I thiiink I know why.
SEASON ROLL TIDE TALLY: 12