We open on the Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates squadding up in this fancy-mysterious mansion that’s either the set for another Clue movie or a bad Taylor Swift video. The Bachelor Cinematic Universe subtly celebrates Pride month by putting the boys in an effing technicolor rainbow of blazers—this was planned, right? Can someone go check Rhode Island’s Suitsupply?
Hannah Basic is in the Conservatory with the Revolver—I mean, with the two Lukes. They are popping off and Hannah Basic’s face here is unparalleled annoyance. Neither of the guys notice this Mona Lisa face and that, my friends, is how you know neither of them are The One™. She then simply walks away from this stupid nightmare and I am violently reminded of Cersei casually strolling past CleganeBowl. Ugh. I miss you, my queen—and will avenge those rocks!
Discount Nick Viall tells The Hottest 8th Grader at Church that he has shit coming out of his ears again and wow—he’s really doubling down on that phrase. O Holiness Chris Harrison pulls a Qyburn and swoops in to stop this, and thank the Seven Hells that this time it actually works.
The only thing I love about episodes that don’t end in rose ceremonies is that the next episode is usually an absolute slaughterhouse. It’s time for the first rose ceremony and I am ready to knock some PrettyBoys™ out.
But wait!
Discount Nick Viall interrupts her as soon as she’s about to give the first rose. I am violently reminded of Kanye interrupting Taylor at the VMA’s and I am not okay with this—unless Discount Nick Viall is capable of writing another My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy about its aftermath. Hannah Basic and Not Kanye West talk for a little, then this little boy finally sends himself home. Wow. I’m so happy this drama is over but—dear God—I hate to see The Hottest 8th Grader at Church come out on top.
Roses go to: Pilot Porny Peter, Hot Kennedy Nephew, Dylan, Nose Ring Guy, MikeJohnson™, KevinBot (who was glitching with Nerves™ until his name was called), Devin (a storage facility for hair gel), Hot Dog Grant (YES), and… The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. Mother of all that is Chris Harrison—this infuriates me. Hannah Basic has shown basic logical thinking skills so far, but I feel like she regresses to a high school freshman named Tammy when she’s around The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. This guy has a glued-on beard and gets his too-blue jeans from Walmart—d u m p h i m!
We interrupt your scheduled programming to advise you to pour one out for JohnPaulJones™. We’ll miss you, Sunshine, but the Venice Beach Boardwalk is ecstatic to have you back.
Hannah Basic announces that they’re going to Scotland, and this is roughly a 2,000,628 percent upgrade from Rhode Dang Island.
LOCHNESS MONSTER REFERENCE TALLY: 1
I am crying laughing at Hannah Basic’s longwinded, barely-lucid lecture about how “Mary, Queen of Scots, had to deal with a lot of men… but she ended up beheaded… I’m gonna channel that… but not end up beheaded…” Alabama education, y’all! MikeJohnson™ gets summoned for Scotland’s first one-on-one. Jed Y’all is the first of this episode to call The Hottest 8th Grader at Church the “Luke-ness Monster” and I am saddened to concede the Best in Pun award I received last week for “All Hell Breaks Luke”.
LUKE-NESS MONSTER REFERENCE TALLY: 2
The Bachelor Cinematic Universe is obsessed with souvenir shopping as a “date” and I’m kind of into it until Hannah Basic deeply inhales an old book—gag. They visit a candy store run by Willy Wonka with an undercut and Hannah Basic feels the need to say that Southern women are “whiskey in a teacup” – was this paid for by Reese Witherspoon’s book publishers? MikeJohnson™ rolled his eyes at that metaphor and, my Lord, he deserves someone so much hotter than this sentient Beauty and the Beast teacup.
We cut to the night portion of the date in… the Little Mermaid’s grotto? How else would you describe this loosely decorated room full of thingamabobs and whatchamacallits? Hannah Basic is rocking a fresh Ariana pony with her [internally counting] third pair of Claire’s statement earrings today. This date has turned suave and confident MikeJohnson™ into a straight-up giggly little boy and it’s the cutest thing on Earth. Seriously, this man deserves an absolute Instagram model. He tells her he’s a grown-ass man (possibly a grown ass-man) who’s ready to propose and she drools and gives him the rose.
The group date card is read and I mention this because Devin calls The Hottest 8th Grader at Church “a big ass douche canoe” and Jed Y’all looks like a Free People model with his silver ring and fur-collared jacket – I am certifiably boy-insane.
It’s time for the date and two hunky human incarnations of Shrek run out and start screaming in everyone’s faces. Hannah Basic is wearing a dark Kat Von D-esque lipstick so you already know she’s serving us the Basic Girl Goth Phase special. Meanwhile, MikeJohnson™ and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church are home alone staring at each other in what is essentially a battle of the button-downs.
LUKE-NESS MONSTER REFERENCE TALLY: 3
The Abercrombie & Fitch sales managers change into kilts and apparently you’re not allowed to wear underwear with kilts…? Am I… dreaming?! Patrick Swayze knows this and openly crosses his legs and I have never hated the FCC more. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—this show is best with no drama! Watching the Kilt Boiz wrestle and make jokes and fail at ax-throwing is endlessly entertaining, and I wish there were no fights or villains to offset this good time. Plus, the fights don’t provide me with opportunities to say “I want Hot Dog Grant to carry my jugs of milk” and that’s all that really matters!
We’re at the night portion of the group date and I hate Hannah Basic’s drugstore charcoal-gray eyeshadow. She goes to straddle Jed Y’all while they makeout and he asks if her dress can handle that—I. LOVE. THIS. MAN! KevinBot walks in on this and is in total EmbarrassmentMode™. He brings it up to Jed Y’all later, and they… laugh about it! No drama! It could’ve been a fight and it wasn’t! As Lizzie McGuire sang—this is what dreams are made of!
Pilot Porny Peter then grabs Hannah Basic to make out on the, yes, pool table. Flight attendants and cabin crew, we are assuming a fully horizontal makeout position. I repeat, my pants are at a cruising altitude of 11,000 feet. We are, fully horizontal. You already know what I’m going to say—this dude is in the porn industry. Folks, as if two simulated-intercourse makeouts weren’t enough, Hannah Basic then grabs Patrick Swayze and gets fully on top of him on a bed—a bed! Three horizontal makeouts in one night! This is the stuff of sixth-grade urban legends! Jed Y’all gets the group date rose because his near-sex makeout was the best – besides, that’s why his head is so big, it’s full of sex stuff.
Y’all, you know what I give zero effs about? That’s right, a one-on-one date with The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. This episode has been pure gold so far so obviously they have to balance it with blonde-bearded horse manure.
[INFURIATING SIDEBAR: THE WAY THE HOTTEST 8TH GRADER AT CHURCH JOKES TO THE GUYS ABOUT HOW THEY WERE WRESTLING IN KILTS IS HOMOPHOBIC. 100%, GRADE-A “LOCKER ROOM” HOMOPHOBIA. OKAY, WHERE WAS I.]
But really, I hate this child and everything he pretends to stand for. This is the most frustrating one-on-one in the BCU and a waste of you and your mother’s time. Still, there are two incredible moments buried in this manure wasteland. The first is when The Hottest 8th Grader at Church tells Hannah Basic that “everywhere I’ve ever been in my whole life… everyone loves me,” and she straight-up laughs at this. The second is when he says “I can genuinely look you in the eye and say I love everything about you,” and she straight-up laughs again. I love this girl and enjoy nothing more than when women can see through conventionally-attractive men’s bull-excrement. This guy forever talks like a high school boyfriend fighting with his girlfriend under the bleachers—Send. Him. The frick. Home!
This week’s blooper goes to a Scottish guy reading poems to MikeJohnson™ and Hannah Basic. He doesn’t immediately say “Ogres are like onions…” so I zone the heck out.
FINAL LUKE-NESS MONSTER REFERENCE TALLY: 3