We open on the picturesque Latvia cityscape – Hannah Basic says she feels like she’s in the fairy tale movies she used to watch as a little girl. I’m shocked—Alabama had fairy tale movies? It wasn’t just her cousins Jebediah and Seesaw putting on a puppet show with old socks?
The BCU always does this shot in every new city where the contestants tour their new hotel room, then assemble to the nearest balcony to scream the Bachelor or Bachelorette’s name. The Abercrombie & Fitch employees follow protocol and scream “HANNAH BASIC!!!” and the entire city of Riga is on red alert.
Golfer Garrett gets his first one-on-one and all is fine and dandy until, a NAKED COUPLE… OF HIPPIES… FALL OUT OF THE SKY…?! Have naked hippies ever fallen out of the sky in the middle of your date? You may be entitled to compensation. I am not exaggerating when I say that two Latvian people named Gunt (my new favorite curse word) and Kristiannananana (spelling?) jumped out of a plane, butt-ass naked, and approached our Alabama couple. I’ve asked this before—is this Pornhub?
Kristiannanana and G*nt tell Hannah Basic and Golfer Garrett that they too, will be jumping out of a plane butt-ass naked. I guess what baseball is to America, that’s what naked skydiving is to Latvia? Y’all, I have never been so shaken by a date on this show. It’s not just the naked part, but they’re HUGGING. And FACING EACH OTHER. And JUMPING UPSIDE DOWN. The angle of the male reproductive organ could totally… fall in? Right? Listen. I’m just saying: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes naked sky hugging and a baby carriage.
They undress and hopefully this is the first time Golfer Garrett has said “We’ll be laughing about this soon” before someone sees him naked. You think for a second that Hannah Basic is leaving her bra on, but NOPE – it comes off at the last second. Folks, there is BTP contact here and I am screaming (I couldn’t decide if I wanted BTP to stand for “boob-to-pec” or “bush-to-peen”, but both work).
Okay, I’m just gonna say it—this is the best date I’ve ever seen. They are naked. They are bungee-jumping. They are in harnesses. Hannah Basic’s Claire’s™ statement earrings are hanging on for dear life, and I am living for this.
Unfortunately, they are forced to put on clothes for the night portion of the date, and Hannah Basic really knocks me out here—pink bellbottoms. Pink fur coat. Someone call an ambulance! Disco Barbie is taking my breath away! Golfer Garrett bravely opens up about how he used to identify as Football Garrett, and Hannah Basic does THE SHAKA SIGN for when he talks about following his flow. Hang the heck loose, brah! Finally, they do the BCU trope of dancing by themselves in public, this time alongside a sad-looking cello player… and this is absolutely where The Room infamous football scene was shot, right?!
It’s time for the group date we’re keeping it simple with a shitfaced Latvian bar crawl. The Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates follow their queen around a market and watch her deep-throat a pickle. Dylan and Patrick Swayze react to this and Kenan Thompson couldn’t dream of a reaction face this hilarious.
Hannah Basic drunkenly tells them about the naked skydiving, and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is not comfortable with the thought of his middle-school girlfriend pecking another guy. He says, “her body is her temple, and to expose it to anyone who isn’t her husband…”
[TRIGGERED] REALLY?! IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD, IN THE YEAR OF RIHANNA, IN THE YEAR OF LIZZO, YOU’RE REALLY SLUT-SHAMING IN 2019?! WHO. THE HELL. ARE YOU?!
Patrick Swayze redeems everything here by wearing spandex suit pants (?) and telling Hannah Basic “I pray to God you’re my angel.” Jesus Lord Almighty. He also defends his angel up against The Hottest 8th Grader at Church’s slut-shaming—“she’s living Riga to the fullest”. God. I love this kid. Even if he looks like Sloth from The Goonies at the wrong angle. He gets the group date rose and everyone does the Truffle Shuffle.
It’s finally time for Pilot Porny Peter’s first one-on-one and Alexa, play Marvin Gaye. He and Hannah Basic venture out to some cult-y Latvian spa, and someone who I think is named Arya tells them “you’ll never be the same” as they were before this experience. Are we… losing our virginities right now? Turns out, yes. Pilot Porny Peter and Hannah Basic get into a sauna and he starts making out with her and pushes her chest down to get on top of her, and I am… sweating? Drooling? I’m… swooling? There’s a lot of tonsil hockey on this show, but something about this particular one really upped my fertility count.
Pilot Porny Peter and Hannah Basic get to the night portion of the date, and recap their sauna sesh by saying the word “hot” approximately 748 times. I’m still recovering and Pilot Porny Peter goes and SPEAKS FLUENT SPANISH. Estoy muerta. Congratulations, PPP, you are NOT the whitest boy here—¡felicidades! He gets back to the Latvian manse with his rose, and Jed Y’all is not havin’ it, y’all. He buttons up his Free People jacket and goes to Hannah Basic’s window to serenade her with the song that he sang in the pageant group date. This is cute and inevitably leads to her 8th-grade-straddling him yet again.
Meanwhile, Golfer Garrett confronts The Hottest 8th Grader at Church for taking issue with his naked sky hugging. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church gets enraged and repeatedly tells Golfer Garrett “THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE” – as Golfer Garrett is already heading to the door, LMAO. Golfer Garrett then hits him with a “Sweet dreams.” ¡Estoy doble muerta!
Hannah Basic unexpectedly shows up to where they’re staying and asks to talk to The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. He bolts up so fast, not knowing that he’s about to be shut down for slut-shaming, a federal offense under my queen Amber Rose. Hannah Basic goes off and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church has absolutely zero idea how to be confronted with anything. He’s also wearing Walmart™ flip-flops during all of this and it just makes it so much more sad. She hits him with a “you don’t own my body, you don’t own me” and the entire nation of Latvia starts blasting Ariana Grande.
The Hottest 8th Grader at Church returns to the rest of the Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates and they start absolutely owning him with facts. Listen, do I want Golfer Garrett and Patrick Swayze to bully me? Uh, only in my wildest dreams. O Holiness Chris Harrison finally wakes up from his nap to tell the boys that there’s not going to be a cocktail party tonight. Could it be… this was a… normally-formatted episode?! Are we actually getting two dates and a rose ceremony? Please, O Holiness, don’t spoil us!
Hannah Basic is dressed like a Russian forest-green ballerina princess and I am obsessed. Roses go to: Jed Y’all, MikeJohnson™ (who accepts it for his “whiskey Southern queen”), Hot Kennedy Nephew (I miss that kid), and… The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, because nothing matters and abusive relationships are real!
This week’s blooper is one the best of all time—Jed Y’all playing “a Riga song” on the piano [which we now know why his head is so big, he’s a piano prodigy] while Patrick Swayze actually dances again! Finally!
This, this is how you win us back after the worst episode in the history of this show. I am swooling with joy.