I exaggerate. I know this about myself. I have been on record saying that the orange chicken from Panda Express is better than any potential sexual experience. I have said that falling off the treadmill at the FSU campus gym is worse than Vietnam (proof). I have said “Oh my God I’m so bloated, this is what cancer feels like.”
The things I say can be a little bit dramatic [cue Regina George’s shirt] and should not be taken literally under any circumstances.
HOWEVER, I am not exaggerating when I say this—last week’s episode of The Bachelorette was not only the worst of the season, but the worst of any season, of The Bachelorette or The Bachelor.
Yes, I remember Chad. Yes, I remember Jake and Vienna – those were all Citizen Kane compared to this episode. It insulted our intelligence, lied to us, and worst of all—it was straight-up boring. Before I resume headbutting my TV, let’s get into this.
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We open on the cityscape of Shrek’s home country – we cut back to the Worst One-on-One Of This Show’s Existence™ because yes, this date with The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is still… going… on…
Hannah Basic finally puts the GD rose back, and for the first and last time in this cursed episode, I feel relief. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church leaves the date—as is tradition—then turns his Walmart-hot-pink-lined-blazer around and walks right back in, showing he absolutely doesn’t respect women or their decisions. This is a nightmare, truly.
The Hottest 8th Grader at Church then asks Hannah Basic for permission to stand far away, because he “wants to yell”. LMFAO. COULD ANYTHING BE LESS INTIMIDATING? I then stand far away so I too can yell, “SEND. HIM. HOME.” The doomed couple start fake-yelling at each other, and if I wanted to see two 24-year-olds fight about their non-relationship I would just go to South Tampa for happy hour.
We cut to the rose ceremony’s cocktail party that then occupies the entire first half of the episode. Hannah Basic’s white dress and matching coat are absolutely spot-on, but not even Bella Hadid’s outfits could save this night. She then tells the Abercrombie & Fitch employees that “the Lord…placed a verse on my heart.” WHAT THE—this is the most poetic thing she’s said this entire season, which means she definitely got it from some text art on Pinterest.
Garrett steals Hannah Basic away and they have a genuinely cute moment, until he ruins it with The Kiss of Death™ – talking about another contestant during your one-on-one time. Garrett has elected himself captain of the Anti-Hottest-8th-Grader-At-Church Brigade and will not sleep until his enemy has been vanquished. The irony of his cause is enormous—he’s getting mad that The Hottest 8th Grader at Church talked about someone else during his one-on-one, but that is literally what he’s doing here. The hypocrisy is through the roof and Jesus is weeping. He then goes back to rally up his troops, which is the candle that sets this whole episode bomb off—that’s how bombs work, right?
Everyone is gossiping and Hannah Basic storms in to apparently host a public forum so everyone can ask their questions about The Hottest 8th Grader at Church all at once. This is Satan’s version of 12 Angry Men and she is handling this in the most immature way—where the hell is O Holiness Chris Harrison when you need Him? We urgently need some type of Red Wedding scenario to shut everyone here up forever. The one glimmer of goodness here is when Hannah Basic says that the Abercrombie & Fitch employees are making her “psycho and irritated”—which is absolutely my brand.
O Holiness FINALLY wakes up from his nap to Judge Judy this disaster, and it might be too little too late. After approximately seven hundred years, Hannah Basic finally hands out some roses. I think the Gods heard my Red Wedding request because there is 100% Lannister banners hanging all around this room. Please, Lannisters, send your regards!
Roses go to: Hot Kennedy Nephew, Patrick Swayze, Nose Ring Guy, Pilot Porny Peter, Dylan, Garrett, and… The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. Literally kill me with a dull knife. Devin is gone, KevinBot is gone [activate SleepMode™], but worst of all—HOT DOG GRANT? The daddiest of dads graces your godawful show with his presence and you don’t even try to get to know him? I am heartbroken and everything I ever do now is for Hot Dog Grant’s legacy.
The Hot Dog-less group flies to Latvia, and Garret saying “Prieka to Latvia” in his southern accent is one of the higher points of this rock-bottom episode. One of the lower points? Dylan’s Burberry scarf – no thank ya, bud.
SYKE—the lowest point of this episode is the entire second half. Why, you ask? Because. Nothing. Happened! Nothing at all! The second hour of this episode was an unsolicited clip show and that is just… unforgiveable. Good Lord, help me filter this rage through a somewhat entertaining lens. Seriously, Bachelor Overlords, how do you sleep at night?
I’m not even going to recap this part because I’m not going to write a recap of a recap [cue eternally spinning top]. I mentioned that this episode insulted our intelligence and lied to us – this is why. O Holiness Chris Harrison may work in mysterious ways, but are you seriously going to look us in the face and tell us this recap is “necessary” to understand Hannah Basic’s journey? How dumb do you think we are? There was literally no new footage in the entire second hour of this episode, unless you count Hannah Basic naming one of her pimples—am I having a stroke? Seriously, did I die from overdosing on skincare? Is this hell?
We wanted a Red Wedding and instead got all of Game of Thrones season 8 in one pathetic embarrassment of an episode. There was seriously only badness, and not one bit of humor or any type of “fun” whatsoever. Y’all, I have never—never in my life—fast-forwarded through an episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette, until tonight, when I realized we were stooping low enough to recap events that happened in this very episode! I ask again: How! Dumb! Do you think! We are! This is such an advertising-money-grab running on 19 minutes of genuine footage and no amount of anger management therapy could save me at this point.
In some sort of attempt to redeem itself, we get an extended preview of Episodes Where Things Might Actually Happen™. One of those Things seems to be The Hottest 8th Grader at Church shaming Hannah Basic for getting physical with the other guys, and wow—I’m already Hulked the hell out with rage so I won’t even get into this until it actually happens.
This week’s blooper goes to Hannah Basic desperately grasping for a connection between distracted pigeons and her distracted Abercrombie & Fitch subordinates. At her worst, she is braindead. At her best, she is an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things, and we all know how that show turned out.