The human body is physically incapable of two feats: licking
your elbow, and not laughing at SpongeBob Squarepants. These facts are
indisputable, unless you’re crazy double-jointed. For the rest of us, there’s going
to be a sequel to The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie, and it’s coming out the day
after Valentine’s Day 2015. There it is—the SpongeBob on your right shoulder
just screeched with excitement, while the Squidward on your left just rolled
his eyes. But cheer up, mateys. This release date is no coincidence. In fact,
going to see SpongeBob 2 is exactly what our nation needs on the most
polarizing day of the year. Why? Depends on who you’re taking.
- Your significant other- Congratulations. You have someone who is willing to laugh at cartoons with you now, and still seem sexually attractive to you later, which is exactly what the Bible says is necessary in a life partner, I think.
- The last person you hooked up with- This is the ultimate compatibility test, and you don’t even have to talk. If she appreciates the symbolic genius of Patrick Star literally living under a rock, keep her around. But if she doesn’t involuntarily respond to who lives in a pineapple under the sea, abort all future sober contact.
- Just a friend- Not everyone has a Valentine, and that’s okay. If anything, go for the kids. If you live in a college town, you probably haven’t heard the sound of children’s laughter in years. This void hollows out a deep part of your soul that defaults to storing pizza and vodka. Heal yourself. Cleanse yourself with the almighty yellow sponge.
- A real-life kid- If you have a sibling or other relative, you lucky dog—you have someone biologically created for the sole purpose of watching Nickelodeon with you. If you’re a babysitter, you will be getting paid to see SpongeBob 2, and this is the most winningest situation you will ever come across in your life. If you just have a friend strangely younger than you, just wait until the movie comes out on DVD, since you’re probably not allowed within 1000 feet of a theater anyway.
- Your kid- You read blogs?! ADOPT ME. I’m polite. Not a picky eater. We can discuss my student debt later. Please.
- By your damn self- You don't need someone next to you subtly implying when it’s okay for you to laugh out loud. Or for a reason to get the large popcorn. You’re a lone ranger. You order pasta at Pizza Hut. You order nothing at Burger King, but gallantly march inside just to ask for the cardboard crown. You demand to have it your way, so you deserve a crown that says so, damnit. If you’re taking this approach, make sure to leave an open seat next to you, just in case the pity points score you an OTPHJ from a nearby babysitter. Because after all, this holiday is about romance, and you can’t spell “romance” without “OTPHJ.” Well, that’s what my camp boyfriend told me.
Alright, so: You listen to AM radio. You have a superhero-like closet filled with identical pairs of khakis. You only laugh at subversive political satire. Maybe you just want that cutesy Valentine factor, so you’d rather go to a candlelit dinner, even though it’ll be 2015 and there are already far more advanced lighting methods, whatever. But most likely, you just never gave SpongeBob a chance as a kid because you were too busy listening to the latest Creed CD. You’re a mature adult, and that’s okay—unless you still own that Creed CD. But to misquote my mom’s favorite nameless singer, don’t act your age, act your shoe size—at least for a night, and take your Sandy Cheeks to the theater.