There
comes a time in every slut’s life when she realizes that reputations are
overrated. No more avoiding walks of shame, no more playing hard to get, no
more pretending to keep track of her “number”—but instead, openly and honestly
accepting her slutty self for who she really is. She might start sending out racy
pictures. She might start updating everyone about her three guys at the moment.
Hell, she might even start accepting cash for the racy pictures because America
and I need to pay my way through nursing school and wait, are you my dad?
Oh—but alas, she already does. No, no—I’m not referring to just any ol’ crop-top-denim-diaper girl. I’m referring to everyone’s favorite time suck, Snapchat. The app, initially reluctant about her reputation for delivering more nudes than my 6th-grade boyfriend, is finally owning it. The app’s newest feature, Snapcash, is in fact not a slam poetry game show like the name suggests, but a way for users to send and receive money. “Finally!” exclaim the amateur porn stars, and nobody else. Really, does anyone else other than the avid body-snappers have a reason for conducting business through self-destructing pictures?
Team
Snapchat’s video announcement yesterday attempted to answer this question with
two pre-pubescent siblings going shopping for dear old Mom and splitting the
costs through Snapcash. Aw, that’s cute. Cute like when an 8-year-old explains
that babies are made when Jesus Christ goes to a wedding and waves his wand and
leaves his magical gift inside the bride’s stomach but only if the wedding is
in a church because if not then you’re grounded and when you’re grounded Jesus
doesn’t give you magical gifts—cute, but absolutely ridiculous. First off,
siblings never pay each other back that quickly; my sister and I haven’t not
owed each other money since I lent her some Chuck E. Cheese tickets twelve
years ago. Secondly, there are countless apps devoted solely to sharing
payments, so what is Snapchat trying to add to this market that hasn’t already
been done? By adding a feature that essentially mirrors the hugely popular
Venmo, Snapchat is making herself look like a thirsty Jan Brady. Speaking of
awkward siblings, why are these kids buying their mom an antique cat
knickknack? Your mother suffered hours of labor twice and you clowns decide to
thank her by antiquing?
Not
only is Team Snapchat ruining presents for moms, but also disappointing dads
everywhere by providing a sneakier, more accessible way for girls to make money
off their bodies. But hey, maybe there’s hope. Maybe Snapcash won’t devolve
into an underground prostitution ring. Maybe the addition of bank accounts will
give Snap users pause at how scarily public the app actually is. Or, even if it
does turn into the Snap Light District, maybe Liam Neeson could save us all and
make a movie about it—Taken 6: Snatchchat.
Let
us bow our heads in prayer that Snapcash doesn’t become our beloved app’s
equivalent of a tramp stamp. Snapchat, babe, you’re beautiful and great at what
you do. Don't ruin that by letting people use you for money. But hey, there’s some cab fare over on
my dresser, just in case.