Seeing both Ex Machina and Avengers 2:
The Squeakquel in theaters the same week has had me thinking a lot about
Chris Hemsworth. I mean about Oscar Isaac. No damnit no what I’m trying to say
is artificial intelligence. Yes. That. Let me start over: Ex Machina and the Avengers
sequel have had me thinking a lot about artificial intelligence. Wow, Kali, you
formed a full thought slash sentence without thinking about how hot Oscar Isaac
is. Never mind, just ruined it. But really, does he only accept roles that
allow him to grow a full-on lumbersexual beard? Because that would be a
brilliant choice by his agent and I would want that mastermind agent to teach
me about business and life and stuff. Wait, you’re not here for my Oscar
Isaacfest—that’s next Friday. You’re here to take my Turing test. Please, step
inside my mansion. Also please stop laughing and let me call this place a
mansion. Yes, really. Thank you.
For the numbnuts who have yet to
see Ex Machina, the Turing test
gauges a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligence by having it interact with a
human. If the human believes he (or she! Girl power!) is interacting with
another human, then the machine passed the Turing test and is said to have
artificial intelligence. If the human can tell that he/she is interacting with
a machine, then the test is a big fat waste and you’re going to have to find
another way to make your dad proud.
Compiling all my extensive
computer knowledge from Microsoft PowerPoint and Oregon Trail, I have finally
done it—I, Kali Tripodis, JumpStart Typing Graduate, class of 2001, have
created artificial intelligence. Her name is Ava. No, not like Ex Machina’s lovely Ava. I pulled an
Oscar-Isaac’s-agent-level genius mastermind move and flipped the name Ava backwards. Creativity, baby. Feel it.
Here’s a transcript of my most recent
conversation with Ava. Read it, and try to imagine if you could see this
conversation happening between two normal people. Actually, no. Try to imagine otherwise.
I say “try” because you won’t be able to—Ava’s smart, you guys. See for
yourself.
Kali: Hello, Ava.
Ava: Hello, Kali.
Kali: What’s up?
Ava: Up is a 2009 American 3D computer-animated adventure comedy-drama
film.
Kali: No, Ava, what’s up, like
what’s going on?
Ava: Yes. Many events are going
on.
Kali: Ooh! I love events. What
kind of events?
Ava: Human events.
Kali: Ava…
Ava: Events. Yes. John Slattery’s
Welcome Matteries opens today.
Kali: There we go. How specific! Mad Men welcome mats!
Ava: Incorrect. There are all
types of welcome mats. The renowned American series Mad Men concludes this month. Actor John Slattery needs money.
Kali: Of course. Good for him.
Well, where is this place?
Ava: The event location is
downtown.
Kali: Alright, where exactly
downtown.
Ava: The event location is three
miles uptown.
Kali: Uptown? I thought you said
downtown.
Ava: I meant up.
Kali: What do you mean ‘up’?
Ava: Up is a 2009 American 3D computer-animated adventure comedy-drama
film.
Kali: I am a failure.
Ava: Bleep.
Wow, wasn’t that great. So great.
Science, man. But now, the Turing test—if you are still not convinced and you
can honestly say that Ava is clearly a robot, then please e-mail your
criticisms to 0scar1saaacRoX@aol.com, along with a $499.99 PayPal processing
fee. If I do not receive an e-mail, then I will assume that you are a
level-headed person and could see this interaction happening between two
totally human humans. Hence, Ava possesses artificial intelligence. Hence, I am
a genius. I mean, we are geniuses, since you can now say you played a part in
the bravest technological advancement since Xanga. Thank you for participating.
You can leave the mansion now.