‘Twas the night before Christmas, when
all through the loft
Not a creature stirred; just coughed
and coughed.
And coughed and coughed; God, I hate
being sick.
Maybe two Advil will chill me out for
St. Nick.
Two? Why not five? It’s been a long
day.
Let’s be safe and do six, chased down
with Chardonnay.
The sheets were warm and my Snuggie was
comfy,
I laughed, remembering a moment earlier
with Phil Dunphy.
When suddenly my brain became riddled
with strife.
Is the cast of Modern Family funny in
real life?
Did I fail my exams? Did I buy all my
gifts?
Am I starting to get wrinkles? How much
are facelifts?
Whoa, let’s calm down; we need good
night’s sleep.
Two melatonin later, I’m feeling dizzy
as [bleep].
When what to my
wondering eyes did appear,
After three gulps
of ‘Quil and ‘nough Xanax for a year,
But a muscular,
handsome, and oily fellow,
I knew in a moment, ‘twas Joe
Manganiello
His eyes—how they twinkled! his
dimples, how merry!
His abs were like diamonds; his chest,
oh so hairy.
“What in the hell; are you really
here?”
He hushed me, and whispered “Shh, my
friends are near.”
More rapid than eagles his coursers
they came,
And he whistled, and I couldn’t help
but exclaim:
"Now, Channing! now, Bomer! That
one hot Latino!
That scary old guy! On, Childish Gambino!”
There we were, just me and the cast of
Magic Mike,
And I knew in that instant I could
never be a dyke.
(Is that word offensive? Am I being PC?
My bad, PC Principal – I’m
hallucinating, you see.)
“Where are we going? Are we in outer
space?
Are we going to the movies? The zoo?
Third base?”
Joe chuckled, “It’s your dream, babe.
We can go wherever.”
Oh my god. I’m drooling. This choice
has to be clever.
Where would I go if I could go
anywhere?
I burst out, “THE M&M’S STORE! The
huge one in Times Square!”
They were clearly disappointed, but I
couldn’t help but smile.
“What! I’ve been sick, I haven’t eaten
in a while.”
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his
head;
Then, snap—we were there. I was
literally dead.
We were laughing, dancing! There were
M&M’s for years!
Joe looked at me, concerned; but I was
crying happy tears.
“You had one Christmas wish, and it’s candy
with hunks?”
“I REGRET NOTHING,” I said whilst
stuffing my face with chocolate chunks.
A few hours passed; I felt disgusting,
about to blow.
Joe felt my pain (because he’s
perfect), and decided it’s time to go.
“Wait! I forgot
to ask, just one question, ‘cause your wife:
Is the cast of
Modern Family funny in real life?”
He stared at me
gravely, then his face all but changed.
Started laughing
hysterically, ‘twas almost deranged.
“Hell no!
They’re nothing like what you see on the tube.
But I laugh at
Sofia anyway; because, c’mon, boobs.”
A loud breath
overtook me, I was overcome with relief.
At last, he
solved the mystery that had caused me such grief.
“Thank you, Joe
Manganiello. I am finally at peace.
And please, let
me know if you ever want a sidepiece.”
I woke with a
thump; I’ve never slept better!
And I jumped out
of bed and right into my sweater.
“Good morning,
dear family! Let’s open some presents!
I feel so alive;
More healthy! More pleasant!”
The family
glared over, “Honey, it’s 4PM.
We knocked, we called,
even sent a DM.
You were passed
out cold, but your forehead was burning.
Calling out
‘Joe!’ and tossing and turning.
Were you having
a nightmare? Are you still feeling ill?
Did you take too
much medicine? Or even worse, NyQuil?!”
My knees were
all wobbling, my stomach felt pudgy.
My family was
staring; all snobbish, all judgy.
I had to
respond, had to stop all their worrying.
My words had to
be wise; said clear, with no slurring
I said what I
said, then passed the hell out.
On the floor, in
our kitchen, after these words were yelled out:
“Uh, never
enough meds! If you ask me outright.
Merry Christmas
to me, and to all a great night!”