APPOLOGIZE
INT.
ROOM [GENERIC, BRIGHT, INFOMERCIAL STYLE]
KALI slowly walks into frame
KALI
Are you an actor who has recently been
accused of sexual assault? Is your reputation now ruined – even though you definitely
didn’t do anything?
Already
in the frame is a conventionally good-looking ACTOR type sitting down, on the
phone. Looks so sad, like he’s getting bad news, dejected. Hangs up. As
KALI says this last line, ACTOR gestures “ehh…” as if he might be guilty.
KALI smiles at him then scoffs it off like it doesn’t even matter.
KALI
Well, get ready to get your life back, [says
while grabbing ACTOR’s phone and dramatically throwing it out of the frame] with
Appologize. It’s due process, right
on your phone!
ACTOR
hears that and realizes he needs his phone back – searches out of frame to
retrieve it
CUT
TO PHONE SCREEN [TWEETS SCROLLING]
KALI [V/O]
Every day, more and more men are
accused of sexual assault on Twitter, and there hasn’t been any means of due
process for these poor men – until now, with Appologize.
[STOCK
ILLUSTRATIONS OF SAD, WHITE MEN]
Appologize
gives you the chance to fight for what’s yours. Appologize works by scanning tweets every day for your name coupled
with any of our trigger phrases: “assault,” “rape,” “took advantage of,”
“forced,” or “fuck you, you fucking creep.” [WORDS ILLUSTRATED ON SCREEN]
Once a tweet has met this trigger
criteria, we will alert you and blast out a standardized apology, written by
one of our in-house publicists.
[GROUP
OF BUSINESS PEOPLE SMILING, ONE GIVES A THUMBS UP TO THE CAMERA]
This apology will be sent from your
Twitter account, and can be further customized to your preferences.
[TWEET
ILLUSTRATION]
@LaurenXo
Jack
Connelly assaulted me. I am finally ready to come forward with my story.
[IMMEDIATELY
AFTER, SECOND TWEET]
@JackConnelly,
via Appologize
I
am so sorry about this interaction. I deeply regret it, am ready to move
forward with my life.
[BACK
TO KALI and ACTOR]
KALI
Wow! Reputation saved!
ACTOR
Wait, you
said I can customize it first?
KALI
Yep! What do
you want to change?
ACTOR
Is it okay if I don’t at all use the
word regret, or the word sorry?
KALI
No problem! Here at Appologize, we’re all about getting your
life back, without you actually doing any of the work.
[TWEET
ILLUSTRATION]
@CaliKate82
Jack
Connelly is a fucking rapist!!
@JackConnelly,
via Appologize
This
interaction does not please me. It is not good. It is bad. I acknowledge this.
I am ready for us to continue to move forward with our lives and focus on world
issues, like poverty, or starving kids in Africa.
[BACK
TO KALI]
KALI
Amazing!
For an additional fee, you can try out
our RateBack feature. our software will analyze the accuser’s profile picture,
and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Our feature will then tweet from your
account the exact reasons why her profile picture isn’t a 10, ultimately
reasoning that this is why nobody would ever assault her in the first place.
Please note that our software abides by our President’s rating system.
[QUICKLY
SCROLLS THROUGH THIS TEXT DOWN OVER SCREEN, OVER AN OVERLAY OF THE WAVING
AMERICAN FLAG]
1
– Rosie O’Donnell.
2
– Ugly, a total loser.
3
– Boring face, same body as me.
4
– Cute face but very fat.
5
– Totally average.
6
– Okay face, good body.
7
– Hot face, no tits.
8
– Incredible face, flat ass.
9
– Super hot, unreal body, voted for Crooked Hillary.
10
– named Ivanka Trump.
KALI
Granted, we are still working out some
kinks.
[CUT
TO OLD LADY, SITTING, HOVERING OVER PHONE]
[TWEET
ILLUSTRATIONS]
@JacksMom
Jack where are u??? u didn’t show up for
dinner and I’m forced to worry about u!!! xoxox love you my son!!
[IMMEDIATELY
AFTER]
@JackConnelly
via Appologize
These
claims are false. What we did between the two of us was entirely consensual,
and I apologize that our intercourse didn’t come off that way.
LADY
looks up from her phone, horrified, disgusted.
[BACK
TO KALI]
KALI
Hey, our app isn’t perfect, and neither
are we – and that’s exactly why we’re here.
KALI stops and crosses arms. Power stance.
Appologize. Responsibility, automated.
MAN [V/O]
[quickly] This ad brought to you in
part by Trump Financial.