We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison with a dead-fucking-silent studio audience. I’ve never wished for some type of applause more (that’s false) but apparently we’re not done with last week’s episode yet – everyone’s addicted to Greece, just say it!
It’s Hannah Basic’s last rose ceremony ever and all the boys are in their best summer suits. O Holiness gives each of them a pep talk before they enter, and the word “clarity” has already been said three times.
CLARITY COUNT: 3
From the back, Hannah Basic’s dress looks like she’s wearing a bikini top and a maxi skirt—chic? The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is officially a criminally convicted stalker and decides to sneak into a rose ceremony that he’s in no way invited to. He’s holding an engagement ring which was most likely purchased at the local Gainesville Costco. This is a fucking nightmare and it seriously reminds me of Zoolander obliviously giving a speech for an award he lost. Hannah Basic sees him and immediately shuts him down. She says, “I’m about to go psycho,” and I’ve never related to her more.
CLARITY COUNT: 6
The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, despite all common sense, literally tells her to “listen” because he’s not moving until she does, and she has the greatest reaction of this entire show—
She basically says ‘Okay, if you ain’t movin’, then I’LL move!’ and MOVES THE ROSE STAND AWAY FROM HIM – I thought you couldn’t top the middle finger from last week, and I was sorely mistaken.
The Brooks Brothers™ sales associates finally gang up on The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, who says, “lay… your hands… off me…” to which Patrick Swayze says, “OR WHAT?” This is the hottest thing ever and I would literally chop my physical body in half for Patrick Swayze and Jed Y’all to gang up on me like this.
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| a modern Renaissance painting? |
CLARITY COUNT: 9
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It’s finally time for “Men Tell All”, baby. O Holiness wastes no time in bringing The Hottest 8th Grader at Church out, and the subtitle on my screen literally says “[sparse applause]” LMFAO. Drag him, subtitles! Drag him to closed-captioning hell and back!
CLARITY COUNT: 10
Let me pull a Hottest 8th Grader at Church and ask permission to yell—THIS “MEN TELL ALL” IS PISSING ME THE HECK OFF. WHY ARE WE GIVING THIS BLONDE-BEARDED MURDERER SO MUCH SCREENTIME? HE’S PAUSING SO MUCH, LIKE ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT THE BACHELOR OVERLORDS WOULD RATHER DEDICATE SCREENTIME TO HIS DEAD AIR THAN LITERALLY ANYTHING FROM ANY OF THE OTHER GUYS? Okay, where was I?
The Hottest 8th Grader at Church continues to illustrate Gainesville’s education system by misusing yet another word—“I boldly say that, but I’ll also boldly say that she’s not my person.” YOU CAN’T JUST SAY “BOLDLY” TO WHAT YOU’RE ALREADY SAYING. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, and yes, I will reference an 18-year-old movie for the second time today.
Devin (who?) comes out of the frickin’ woodwork to confront The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, and I’m so happy to see a contestant who’s not blonde male-supremacy trash.
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN – finally, the rest of the Abercrombie & Fitch boyz are back, and my Lord, I missed Hot Dog Grant so much. MikeJohnson™ calls The Hottest 8th Grader at Church “narcissistic, cantankerous, misogynist… your future wife is going to be a prisoner of you.” I start crying tears of joy – I love this man. Hot Kennedy Nephew makes his triumphant return from obscurity to pile on—“I wish I said this earlier, but fuck you, man. You deserve everything you’re about to hear tonight.” YES, HOT KENNEDY NEPHEW! Hit ‘em with that old-money fierceness!
[Golfer Garrett has entered the chat.]
Seriously, Golfer Garrett is so hot. He and Hot Dog Grant continue to annihilate The Hottest 8th Grader at Church and I am in heaven. Dylan (who?) says it best, “It’s 2019. You can’t talk to a woman like that—simple as that.” Yes, boo.
CLARITY COUNT: 12
Okay, time to effing move the eff on—everyone’s favorite Venice Beach Boardwalk hot homeless guy JohnPaulJones™ is back! He says he had such a good time on the show because “it’s kinda hard to not have a good time when you get to take off work.” DUDE, YOUR JOB TITLE IS “JOHN PAUL JONES”. AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
We’re treated to a montage of his best moments, and he sincerely credits his fame from the show to the other guys—“It wouldn’t have been so easy to bro out if you guys weren’t so easy to get along with.” Wow. This is seriously so nice and I love seeing someone who’s not a whore for attention on this show.
A girl with a WWJPJD t-shirt storms the stage and asks JohnPaulJones™ for a piece of his hair—because this show has no rules and nothing is real. He obliges and she’s absolutely using it for a ritual sacrifice for her at-home shrine. O Holiness then brings out his favorite food (apparently)—McDonald’s chicken nuggets. JohnPaulJones™ continues to be the King of Sharing and starts chucking them at the audience. This dude is an angel and we are not worthy.
I’m going to skip the terribly clunky advertising tie-in to ABC’s “other new show about strong women” and get to MikeJohnson™. O Holiness keeps calling him “Big Mike” and I can’t help but think he’s trying to hook up with him. This belief is confirmed when he sounds like an absolute narc and tells him, “you’re throwing smoke today!” MikeJohnson™ cracks up at this and it’s seriously such a cute moment. We get a montage of his time on the show and, boy oh boy, there’s nothin’ like watching someone’s live reaction to them opening up about losing a child! He tells O Holiness that he still thinks Hannah Basic is “fine as hell,” and all peace in the universe is restored.
Hannah Basic shows up! She does a bow, and dang, some people just look better with a spray tan - y'know? Okay, in all seriousness, she has made a complete 180° from the beginning of this show—I don’t want to say this is scripted, but, my God, she's actually articulate now. She talks about how she loved The Hottest 8th Grader at Church in the beginning because she was “really insecure about being the Bachelorette in the first place,” so she loved his obsessive attention. She’s vocalizing her feelings so well here—two of her greatest bars here: “I wanted a man of God, and then it was almost weaponized against me,” and “Having sex in a windmill is not my scarlet letter to wear.” WHAT?! Is this the same girl? I honestly tear up thinking about last season when she couldn’t even give a fucking toast.
The Hottest 8th Grader at Church dramatically exits as soon as a commercial break ends—like, you could’ve left during the commercial break, but oh yeah, you’re a narcissistic demon. Hannah Basic tells O Holiness that she has no regrets about him, because “women can… relate to this situation… I have no regrets if [watching this] helps one person.” Great, I’m crying again.
O Holiness asks her why she let JohnPaulJones™ go so early, and our Long-Haired God says, “don’t worry about it, I would’ve let myself go.” Hannah Basic tells him to not be so hard on himself, and he says “Don’t tell me what to do.” It’s official – he is too good for this earth.
It’s time for the long-awaited bloopers, and the best one is Patrick Swayze dancing in Riga which isn’t even a blooper because it was in the actual episode. Fun! Thanks! We end with Hannah Basic looking at the camera and apologizing to us for The Hottest 8th Grader at Church’s absolute overload of screentime. She closes us out with, “God bless the United States of America, and Roll Tide.” Psycho Cam gives us one last rap, and my body feels whole again.
