Are we
crazy?
Okay, so right off the top, Katy wants you to know this is a
social commentary. The first line in the song is “Are we crazy?” And by asking
if “we” are crazy, she is commenting on society as a whole, as opposed to
asking “Are you crazy?” which would sound accusatory, or “Am I crazy?” which
studies have shown is the most commonly unanswered text sent from me to my
ex-boyfriend. Seriously, guys, am I?!
Living
our lives through a lens
One word – Instagram. Five more words – is taking over our
lives. A lot more words – now it’s coming together that Katy-gurl is commenting
on our obsession with Instagram. We are letting it direct our actions,
influence our styles, ruin our relationships. We are double-tapping our lives
away, which begs the initial question—are we crazy? Or are we dancer?
Trapped
in our white picket fence, like ornaments
Hold up, why are there ornaments trapped behind a white
picket fence? Is Katy Perry so rich that she has an entire house dedicated to
the off-season storage of her Christmas ornaments?! Yes. She is. Therefore, this
is the only possible explanation. Props, Katy. And please check your DMs for my
Venmo handle.
So
comfortable, we're living in a bubble, bubble
So
comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, trouble
Katy doubles up on the words “bubble” and “trouble” – which
is a clear suggestion of the world-renowned witches’ chant, “Double, double,
toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble.” I just can’t believe that
Katy Perry is flat-out spelling it out for us that she is a witch, and everyone
is too busy talking about politics and losing healthcare blah blah blah. SHE’S
A WITCH, SHEEPLE. This explains so much, like how she charmed Orlando Bloom
into dating her, or how she survived numerous death curses from The Devil
(colloquially known as “Taylor Swift”).
Aren't
you lonely, up there in utopia, where nothing will ever be enough, happily numb
Now that we know beloved singer-songwriter Katy Perry is a
witch, it really brings the next couple of lines into focus. Note that she is
asking are “you” lonely, as opposed to the initial “we” pronoun usage. Katy
isn’t lonely, no. Katy is a witch, and witches roll deep. (See Charmed, Hocus
Pocus, The Craft, and any other movie/show about witches. They never work
alone. And if they do, they have hordes of flying monkeys to compensate.)
So
comfortable, we're living in a bubble, bubble
So
comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, trouble
“I’m a witch, I’m a witch, are you guys seriously not
getting this?”
So put
your rose-colored glasses on, and the party on
Oh God. Something bad is happening. And Katy, as a witch, is
able to sense this before us mere mortals. Because of this, she is telling us
to put our rose-colored glasses on, which is a timeworn symbol for ignorant
bliss. Put your rose-colored glasses on, and you won’t see all the blue
ugliness that is apparently happening in Katy Perry’s America.
Turn it
up, it's your favorite song
Wait. This is my favorite song? What? Ha, no... no way.
[turns off this exact song that has been on loop for the past three hours] YOU
DON’T KNOW THAT, KATY. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO FEEL. I AM IMMUNE TO YOUR BIG-BOOBED
SORCERY.
Dance,
dance, dance to the distortion
The question here is what exactly is being distorted—and why
are we dancing to it? One theory is that through our aforementioned
rose-colored glasses, the screaming and crying of the world is distorted into
music. So, why solve the world’s problems when you can dance to them! Yeah!
Turn it
up, keep it on repeat
Alright, Katy’s on a real power trip trying to tell us what
to do. Maybe I have kept this song on repeat, but it’s because I chose to with
my own willpower, and not because Katy Perry told me to in this line. Right?
Right. Yeah, totally. I am my own person. Katy Perry is not the boss of me. (I
repeat this last sentence in the mirror before I go to bed every night.)
Stumbling
around like a wasted zombie
This line infuriates me. Walkers, I mean, uh, zombies, can’t
get wasted. Zombies have extremely limited brain functioning, essentially the
same as a single-celled animal. Alcohol would not affect their brain activity
like it does with humans, because that brain activity is not there in the first
place. Show me a wasted zombie, Katy, and I’ll show you a fan that you paid to
dress up like that to prove me wrong. Give it up, girl, you’re wrong here.
Yeah,
we think we're free
This song gets dark. First off, Katy tells us she’s a witch.
Then she tells us that our blue-tinted world is full of screaming and crying.
Then she attempts to mind-control us and make us forget everything we know
about zombies. Now, she’s saying we only “think” we’re free?! What is happening
here, Katy? Are we not?! Are we… dying?
Drink,
this one is on me
Oh my God. If you ask someone if you’re dying and they
respond with this, your odds are not good. Also, is Katy Perry really offering
to buy me a drink here, because I will hold her to that. Besides, she has
enough money to have a separate house for Christmas decorations, so I mean, it makes
economical sense.
We're
all chained to the rhythm, to the rhythm, to the rhythm
WHAT IS KATY TRYING TO TELL US? Stop embedding your dark,
ominous messages in a catchy pop song and flat-out tell us, Katy. This line is
giving some serious slavery vibes and it is freaking me the hell out. (I also
want to formally apologize for saying “slavery vibes”) Why are we all chained
to something? What does the rhythm symbolize? And why does she say it three
times?! Three, like the Holy Trinity? Or three, times two, which is SIX which
is the number of The Devil (“Taylor Swift”)?! We haven’t heard from The Devil
in a while… what is she planning? Why am I crying?
Are we
tone deaf? Keep sweeping it under the mat
You know what, yes, Katy. We are tone deaf. Because clearly
you are trying to warn us of a serious and present danger and we still have no
idea what you’re trying to say. And the only thing I’m sweeping under the mat
is my cash and passport because apparently there is an impending Swift-ocalypse
and I don’t want her consuming my valuables.
Thought
we could do better than that, I hope we can
I hope so, too. I HOPE SO TOO.
So
comfortable, we're living in a bubble, bubble
So
comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, trouble
We get it, you’re a witch. Can you please help us please and
thank you.
So put
your rose-colored glasses on, and the party on
My glasses are on from the last time you told me to put them
on. Does anyone still not have their rose-colored glasses on? Please put them
on now. Keep up.
Turn it
up, it's your favorite song. Dance, dance, dance to the distortion
STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, KATY PERRY.
Turn it
up, keep it on repeat, stumbling around like a wasted zombie
But also, like, could you imagine if zombies could get wasted? Like, maybe it would
be a good thing, like instead of craving human flesh, they’d want pizza?
Yeah,
we think we're free. Drink, this one is on me
Whoa. Snap back into it. I forgot everyone is dying and Katy
wants to buy us a drink.
We're
all chained to the rhythm, to the rhythm, to the rhythm
Katy, how are we going to die and also does this free drink
include top shelf or is it just beer and wine like the budget wedding of your
two high school friends whom you haven’t talked to in ten years but they
invited you because they needed more single girls and also they have no
friends?
[Skip
Marley] It is my desire, break down the walls to connect, inspire
When he says it’s his desire to break… hahahaha totally
kidding. The only question here is who the hell is Skip Marley and how many
Marleys are there and why did Owen Wilson do a movie with one and how did
Melissa Villaseñor get a spot on Saturday Night Live when the only thing she
can do is a decent Owen Wilson impression?! Heh, um, yeah… that’s the only
question here. Nothing else. No other deep-seated issues. Heh.
Ay, up
in your high place, liars. Time is ticking for the empire
Hey, Skip, it’s me. I visited your father(/grandfather?
Great-uncle? Where do you fit in this family tree exactly)’s tombstone on a
really oddly-planned family trip to Jamaica. So hey, now that I’ve established
we’re friends, can you tell me what in the fresh heck you and Katy are talking
about? I feel like you’re both telling us that we’re about to die and I just
want us to be on the same page. So like, what’s the deal?
The
truth they feed is feeble, as so many times before, They greed over the people
Skip, my man, I gotta be honest with you, I never have any
clue what people are saying in any reggae song, and I actually looked up the
lyrics here and I still have no idea. Like, what.
They
stumbling and fumbling, and we're about to riot. They woke up, they woke up the
lions
…LIONS?!
[Katy
Perry] Turn it up, it's your favorite song. Dance, dance, dance to the
distortion
Good. Great. Now we’re back to Evil Candyland Sorceress Katy
Perry and we still have no idea about the lions. Where are these lions. Give
the mic back to Skippy. We were so close to [takes sunglasses off] the truth.
Turn it
up, keep it on repeat, stumbling around like a wasted zombie
Wait, also, why did you and Orlando Bloom break up? Is this
your version of a breakup song? Like, we broke up so now I’m going to come out
as a witch and brainwash everyone? Is that what’s happening here?!
Yeah,
we think we're free. Drink, this one is on me
Let the record show that our free drink tally is currently
at three (3) free drinks, courtesy of KP.
We're
all chained to the rhythm, to the rhythm, to the rhythm
We’re all gonna die.