Local youths are no longer dabbing, and have now moved on to the latest craze, Steve Buscemi-ing.
“Buscemi-ing? Ha, man. It’s like, hard to explain,” said 17-year-old Chadthony Daniels. “It’s like, when a girl is sucking you off, you know? [Daniels raised his hand for a high-five. We refused.] Then when you’re about to, like, you know, be done, she opens her eyes real wide and you pull it out and finish on her eyeballs.” Apparently, doing so will make the recipient’s eyes look like those of American actor and film director, Steve Buscemi.
After asking Daniels what type of people his parents are to give him that godforsaken name on purpose, he slyly laughed, and responded to our second question: “Buscemi was in Pulp Fiction and Monsters, Inc. Like, how many people can say that? Dude’s a legend.” Our research team later investigated this claim, and actress and comedienne Julia Sweeney was in both Pulp Fiction and the sequel to Monsters, Inc. However, this might not be enough to warrant “Sweeney-ing” as a future trend. Stay tuned for updates.
Dozens of optometrists have noticed a spike in younger patients, all having the same semen-sourced bacteria in their eyes. So far, this bacteria has caused cataracts, blindness, and worst of all, permanent Buscemi-ness. “I never thought as an optometrist that I’d be dealing with so much ejaculation. There has been more cum in this office than Jesse Eisenberg’s right hand after a long day of shooting with Kristen Stewart.”
Local authorities are cracking down on any evidence of Buscemi-ing, especially after the death of Stephanie Greenfield, 16, who was Buscemi’d so hard that she blindly walked into her high school’s stairwell and fell for forty-five minutes straight. Greenfield’s last words were allegedly “I wanna go to Boardwalk Empire, baby!”
When asked to comment, Steve Buscemi put his hands all over my face and exclaimed, “Dad? Is that you?”