A Recap of The Bachelorette Finale, Parts I & II
PART I
We made it – the finale of this extended psychotic breakdown of a season. We open on a wilin’ studio audience. O Holiness Chris Harrison has a fresh haircut that probably cost more than my rent. We’re still in Greece for the rose ceremony that is somehow lasting over three episodes. This is exactly how I felt when I went to Greece—I love it but okay can we leave? I miss McDonald’s.
O Holiness repositions the rose stand that Hannah Basic dramatically moved away from The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, because he is absolutely a secret OCD monster. Hannah Basic looks at the remaining Abercrombie & Fitch employees and says, “I have three amazing men, standing in front of me.” Okay, is this America’s Next Top Model? The three guys are in line doing the same exact pose and I’m dying laughing at this—they look like a failed 90s R&B boy band album cover.
Aug 5, 2019
Jul 24, 2019
Men Tell All: Well Actually Just One
A Recap of This Week's "Men Tell All" Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison with a dead-fucking-silent studio audience. I’ve never wished for some type of applause more (that’s false) but apparently we’re not done with last week’s episode yet – everyone’s addicted to Greece, just say it!
It’s Hannah Basic’s last rose ceremony ever and all the boys are in their best summer suits. O Holiness gives each of them a pep talk before they enter, and the word “clarity” has already been said three times.
CLARITY COUNT: 3
We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison with a dead-fucking-silent studio audience. I’ve never wished for some type of applause more (that’s false) but apparently we’re not done with last week’s episode yet – everyone’s addicted to Greece, just say it!
It’s Hannah Basic’s last rose ceremony ever and all the boys are in their best summer suits. O Holiness gives each of them a pep talk before they enter, and the word “clarity” has already been said three times.
CLARITY COUNT: 3
Jul 16, 2019
It's a Bible-Off™
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on an aerial view of the Aegean sea… we’re in GREECE, BABY! Of course, I, a Greek princess (according to my 8th grade AIM screen name), am excited as all tzatziki sauce—but, haven’t my ancestors been through enough? Do we really have to desecrate these sacred lands with all these white boys?
It’s Fantasy Suite week, virgins, and Hannah Basic says it’s been “a while” since she’s been physical with a man [cue absolute montage of her full-on humping the entire Abercrombie & Fitch sales team].
JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 1
We open on an aerial view of the Aegean sea… we’re in GREECE, BABY! Of course, I, a Greek princess (according to my 8th grade AIM screen name), am excited as all tzatziki sauce—but, haven’t my ancestors been through enough? Do we really have to desecrate these sacred lands with all these white boys?
It’s Fantasy Suite week, virgins, and Hannah Basic says it’s been “a while” since she’s been physical with a man [cue absolute montage of her full-on humping the entire Abercrombie & Fitch sales team].
JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 1
Jump Straddle Hug: The Movie
Y'all, I made video for the Jump Straddle Hug episode of The Bachelorette. Please watch it and absolutely roast me in the comments. Luv ya.
Jul 14, 2019
Jump Straddle Hug
A Recap of This Week's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on an aerial view of Westlake Village, Pilot Porny Peter’s hometown which is definitely just Los Angeles. It’s the hometown episode, baby, and we are wasting NO time in getting to these daddies.
JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG TALLY: 1
The BCU loves themselves some jump-straddle-hugs, and Hannah Basic is no exception—she’s basic, remember? She’s not an exception for anything. She jumps on Pilot Porny Peter and they immediately get into “his” Benz which is definitely his and definitely not on lease by the Bachelor Overlords.
We open on an aerial view of Westlake Village, Pilot Porny Peter’s hometown which is definitely just Los Angeles. It’s the hometown episode, baby, and we are wasting NO time in getting to these daddies.
JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG TALLY: 1
The BCU loves themselves some jump-straddle-hugs, and Hannah Basic is no exception—she’s basic, remember? She’s not an exception for anything. She jumps on Pilot Porny Peter and they immediately get into “his” Benz which is definitely his and definitely not on lease by the Bachelor Overlords.
Jun 25, 2019
Naked Hugging in the Sky
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on the picturesque Latvia cityscape – Hannah Basic says she feels like she’s in the fairy tale movies she used to watch as a little girl. I’m shocked—Alabama had fairy tale movies? It wasn’t just her cousins Jebediah and Seesaw putting on a puppet show with old socks?
The BCU always does this shot in every new city where the contestants tour their new hotel room, then assemble to the nearest balcony to scream the Bachelor or Bachelorette’s name. The Abercrombie & Fitch employees follow protocol and scream “HANNAH BASIC!!!” and the entire city of Riga is on red alert.
We open on the picturesque Latvia cityscape – Hannah Basic says she feels like she’s in the fairy tale movies she used to watch as a little girl. I’m shocked—Alabama had fairy tale movies? It wasn’t just her cousins Jebediah and Seesaw putting on a puppet show with old socks?
The BCU always does this shot in every new city where the contestants tour their new hotel room, then assemble to the nearest balcony to scream the Bachelor or Bachelorette’s name. The Abercrombie & Fitch employees follow protocol and scream “HANNAH BASIC!!!” and the entire city of Riga is on red alert.
Jun 21, 2019
Psycho & Irritated
A Recap of This Week's Episode of The Bachelorette
I exaggerate. I know this about myself. I have been on record saying that the orange chicken from Panda Express is better than any potential sexual experience. I have said that falling off the treadmill at the FSU campus gym is worse than Vietnam (proof). I have said “Oh my God I’m so bloated, this is what cancer feels like.”
The things I say can be a little bit dramatic [cue Regina George’s shirt] and should not be taken literally under any circumstances.
HOWEVER, I am not exaggerating when I say this—last week’s episode of The Bachelorette was not only the worst of the season, but the worst of any season, of The Bachelorette or The Bachelor.
I exaggerate. I know this about myself. I have been on record saying that the orange chicken from Panda Express is better than any potential sexual experience. I have said that falling off the treadmill at the FSU campus gym is worse than Vietnam (proof). I have said “Oh my God I’m so bloated, this is what cancer feels like.”
The things I say can be a little bit dramatic [cue Regina George’s shirt] and should not be taken literally under any circumstances.
HOWEVER, I am not exaggerating when I say this—last week’s episode of The Bachelorette was not only the worst of the season, but the worst of any season, of The Bachelorette or The Bachelor.
Jun 12, 2019
My First Video Recap!
Woo! I've always wanted to make a video version of these godforsaken recaps, but was always intimidated by the thought of making a YouTube video. I finally did it and I will NEVER admit how long making this took me... but life is full of mysteries, ya know? Enjoy the fruits of my labor and don't forget to murder me in the comments!
Horizontal Makeout SZN
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on the Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates squadding up in this fancy-mysterious mansion that’s either the set for another Clue movie or a bad Taylor Swift video. The Bachelor Cinematic Universe subtly celebrates Pride month by putting the boys in an effing technicolor rainbow of blazers—this was planned, right? Can someone go check Rhode Island’s Suitsupply?
Hannah Basic is in the Conservatory with the Revolver—I mean, with the two Lukes. They are popping off and Hannah Basic’s face here is unparalleled annoyance. Neither of the guys notice this Mona Lisa face and that, my friends, is how you know neither of them are The One™. She then simply walks away from this stupid nightmare and I am violently reminded of Cersei casually strolling past CleganeBowl. Ugh. I miss you, my queen—and will avenge those rocks!
We open on the Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates squadding up in this fancy-mysterious mansion that’s either the set for another Clue movie or a bad Taylor Swift video. The Bachelor Cinematic Universe subtly celebrates Pride month by putting the boys in an effing technicolor rainbow of blazers—this was planned, right? Can someone go check Rhode Island’s Suitsupply?
Hannah Basic is in the Conservatory with the Revolver—I mean, with the two Lukes. They are popping off and Hannah Basic’s face here is unparalleled annoyance. Neither of the guys notice this Mona Lisa face and that, my friends, is how you know neither of them are The One™. She then simply walks away from this stupid nightmare and I am violently reminded of Cersei casually strolling past CleganeBowl. Ugh. I miss you, my queen—and will avenge those rocks!
Jun 4, 2019
All Hell Breaks Luke
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on sunrise at the manse. The Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates congregate for their top-of-shift meeting to talk smack about now-deceased Psycho Cam. O Holiness Chris Harrison walks in and notes that the “room’s getting smaller.” Either he’s commenting on how there are only fifteen guys left, or he wants us to notice his ever-growing muscles—I see you, O Holy One.
It’s time for the first vacation and we’re heading to… drumroll, please… keep it goin’…RHODE ISLAND! YES! HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE. STAY SEATED! Pilot Peter says their New England suite has “super romantic vibes” and we’ve already established this guy is secretly a porn star, right?
We open on sunrise at the manse. The Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates congregate for their top-of-shift meeting to talk smack about now-deceased Psycho Cam. O Holiness Chris Harrison walks in and notes that the “room’s getting smaller.” Either he’s commenting on how there are only fifteen guys left, or he wants us to notice his ever-growing muscles—I see you, O Holy One.
It’s time for the first vacation and we’re heading to… drumroll, please… keep it goin’…RHODE ISLAND! YES! HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE. STAY SEATED! Pilot Peter says their New England suite has “super romantic vibes” and we’ve already established this guy is secretly a porn star, right?
May 29, 2019
Hot Dog Grant Can Ruin My Life
A Recap of This Week's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on a sermon from O Holiness Chris Harrison. “Crazy night last night…” leading me to question—yet again—is Chris having sex with these guys?
It’s time for our first group date and everyone is having a conniption that Psycho Cam was actually invited for once. Hannah Basic’s outfit for this date is—say it with me now—B A S I C. The amount of lace and skinny jeans and pink jackets this girl owns could drown an Aeropostale whole.
We open on a sermon from O Holiness Chris Harrison. “Crazy night last night…” leading me to question—yet again—is Chris having sex with these guys?
It’s time for our first group date and everyone is having a conniption that Psycho Cam was actually invited for once. Hannah Basic’s outfit for this date is—say it with me now—B A S I C. The amount of lace and skinny jeans and pink jackets this girl owns could drown an Aeropostale whole.
May 21, 2019
Chicken Nugget Ceremony
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette
We open on a waterfall. Hannah Basic is dancing around columns like it’s 632 AD and she just poisoned her overbearing lord.
Luke P. (who I referred to as ChristianMingle last recap but will now call him The Hottest 8th Grader at Church) is wearing a huge silver cross over a boxy white tee like it’s 1993 and he’s about to film a B-level music video. He’s an “Import/Export Manager” which I’m 100% sure is just a mailman.
We open on a waterfall. Hannah Basic is dancing around columns like it’s 632 AD and she just poisoned her overbearing lord.
Luke P. (who I referred to as ChristianMingle last recap but will now call him The Hottest 8th Grader at Church) is wearing a huge silver cross over a boxy white tee like it’s 1993 and he’s about to film a B-level music video. He’s an “Import/Export Manager” which I’m 100% sure is just a mailman.
May 15, 2019
An Encounter With God In The Shower
A Recap of the Season Premiere of The Bachelorette
Yee-frickin’-haw, y’all. Your girl (me) is back to dismantle the Bachelor Cinematic Universe, week by week. Thank you for coming on this ~journey~ with me—let’s do this.
We open on a montage of Hannah Basic being Charismatic and Fun and We Swear She’s A Good Bachelorette Choice You Guys™. Someone says “She’s not an actress, she’s not a movie star.” N’duh. Is it because being an actress requires knowing how to read and speak in public? I digress.
Yee-frickin’-haw, y’all. Your girl (me) is back to dismantle the Bachelor Cinematic Universe, week by week. Thank you for coming on this ~journey~ with me—let’s do this.
We open on a montage of Hannah Basic being Charismatic and Fun and We Swear She’s A Good Bachelorette Choice You Guys™. Someone says “She’s not an actress, she’s not a movie star.” N’duh. Is it because being an actress requires knowing how to read and speak in public? I digress.
Apr 13, 2019
In Defense of Cersei
As someone who famously bleached their hair solely to look like Lucius Malfoy, it should come as no surprise that I effing love Cersei Lannister. Her family is, without a doubt, my favorite on Game of Thrones, and I will forever defend their toxic blondeness.
“Why do you love Cersei so much though?” you ask, in the most annoying voice. Let me count the ways: she’s badass, loyal to a fault, and preternaturally stunning. “Why do you hate Cersei so much though?” I ask, in the most angelic, Ariana-like voice. Everyone starts screaming at me all at once—I hear you guys, so let me address your concerns one by one.
“Why do you love Cersei so much though?” you ask, in the most annoying voice. Let me count the ways: she’s badass, loyal to a fault, and preternaturally stunning. “Why do you hate Cersei so much though?” I ask, in the most angelic, Ariana-like voice. Everyone starts screaming at me all at once—I hear you guys, so let me address your concerns one by one.
Mar 13, 2019
The President of Delt & His Hostage
A Recap of Last Night's Part II of The Bachelor Finale
We open on a—no, screw that. Your Honor, permission to get real? Thank you. May it please the court – this episode pissed me the fuck off.
Trust me, I love hating on this godforsaken franchise as much as anyone. It’s trash, it’s dumb, it’s a guilty pleasure. But when you really go past the outer crust of hating on it, there’s a gooey truth in the center—I love The Bachelor, and some of my best memories with family and friends are stuffing ourselves on the couch and devouring this show whole. Whether it’s watching Jason “Caricature of George Bush” Mesnick with my mom and sisters (with our dad secretly watching from the kitchen), or obsessing over Emily Maynard with my college friends in our sophomore-year apartment (that, of course, had a life-size Lil Wayne cardboard cutout)—this show has been a part of my life for over a decade, and I sincerely care about it.
We open on a—no, screw that. Your Honor, permission to get real? Thank you. May it please the court – this episode pissed me the fuck off.
Trust me, I love hating on this godforsaken franchise as much as anyone. It’s trash, it’s dumb, it’s a guilty pleasure. But when you really go past the outer crust of hating on it, there’s a gooey truth in the center—I love The Bachelor, and some of my best memories with family and friends are stuffing ourselves on the couch and devouring this show whole. Whether it’s watching Jason “Caricature of George Bush” Mesnick with my mom and sisters (with our dad secretly watching from the kitchen), or obsessing over Emily Maynard with my college friends in our sophomore-year apartment (that, of course, had a life-size Lil Wayne cardboard cutout)—this show has been a part of my life for over a decade, and I sincerely care about it.
Mar 12, 2019
And Then There Were None
A Recap of Last Night's Part I of The Bachelor Finale
We open on a studio audience, baby! Lest you forget this isn’t real life in the slightest!
The audience is filled with vague white women and their only-curled-at-the-bottom hair, all absolutely frothing at the mouth to be in the presence of their Lord and Savior, O Holiness Chris Harrison.
We open on a studio audience, baby! Lest you forget this isn’t real life in the slightest!
The audience is filled with vague white women and their only-curled-at-the-bottom hair, all absolutely frothing at the mouth to be in the presence of their Lord and Savior, O Holiness Chris Harrison.
Mar 6, 2019
Women Tell All: MontageFest 2019
A Recap of Last Night's "Women Tell All" Episode of The Bachelor
We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison, presiding on his throne over all that is sacred. O Holiness is still recoiling from when His beloved son, the President of Delt, jumped over the gate in a fit of rejection, henceforth known as GateGate 2019. I howl with laughter at His referring to it as “disappearing into the darkness of the Portuguese countryside.” Now, that is an Emily Blunt-centered movie I will watch.
The PrettyGirls™ are introduced with The Most Awkward Applause Contest of All Time and it physically pains every bone in my useless body. Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, actually gets a big response I slowly begin to regain strength.
We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison, presiding on his throne over all that is sacred. O Holiness is still recoiling from when His beloved son, the President of Delt, jumped over the gate in a fit of rejection, henceforth known as GateGate 2019. I howl with laughter at His referring to it as “disappearing into the darkness of the Portuguese countryside.” Now, that is an Emily Blunt-centered movie I will watch.
The PrettyGirls™ are introduced with The Most Awkward Applause Contest of All Time and it physically pains every bone in my useless body. Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, actually gets a big response I slowly begin to regain strength.
Mar 5, 2019
This Is What It Sounds Like, When Blondes Cry
alternate title: The One Where Everyone’s Hymens Are Intact
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor
We open on the Los Angeles skyline, staunchly kicking off the theme of this episode—Things I’ve Personally Experienced So Many Times Why Does This Show Hate Me So Much.
The rose ceremony from last week is apparently still happening, since the President of Delt pranced off right after giving out the last rose to talk to Daddy Chris for a sec. The remaining trinity of Pretty Girls™ are baffled – how must we end the sacred rose ritual without our mandatory staged champagne toast?! Thy Bachelor Overlords will not be quenched!
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor
We open on the Los Angeles skyline, staunchly kicking off the theme of this episode—Things I’ve Personally Experienced So Many Times Why Does This Show Hate Me So Much.
The rose ceremony from last week is apparently still happening, since the President of Delt pranced off right after giving out the last rose to talk to Daddy Chris for a sec. The remaining trinity of Pretty Girls™ are baffled – how must we end the sacred rose ritual without our mandatory staged champagne toast?! Thy Bachelor Overlords will not be quenched!
Feb 26, 2019
Dads! Dads! Dads!
A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor
We open on a… SHOWER. HOO BOY. We are wasting NO time tonight, folks. I am surprised the President of Delt has chest hair—he seems like the type to shave it to look smooth and Hollister-esque but he doesn’t and I respect that.
We open on a… SHOWER. HOO BOY. We are wasting NO time tonight, folks. I am surprised the President of Delt has chest hair—he seems like the type to shave it to look smooth and Hollister-esque but he doesn’t and I respect that.
Virginia, baby! It’s time for the first hometown date with… Caelynn? Wait, her title card says she’s from Charlotte, North Carolina. And she’s literally Miss North Carolina… why are we in Virginia? I’ll tell you why – Caelynn’s a traitor! A traitor, I tell thee!
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